Parenting Children with Special Needs

I'm not sure what special needs my ten-year-old has. He was two-plus when we adopted him, so by definition, he has "special needs." Clearly he's never met a rule he wanted to follow or a boundary he wanted to respect. But he's so cute. At first the therapist thought he was just spoiled, as in, you've been distracted by the problems of his older siblings, and he's so cute, he's been allowed to get away with too much for too long. That was hard to believe. I'm a very strict mom. My own mother called me Captain von Trapp without the whistle. She meant it in the nicest possible way I'm sure. So initially we worked on the temper tantrums and disobedience… [more]

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) is an umbrella term used to describe a range of effects that can occur in a child whose mother consumed alcohol in the pregnancy. FASD occurs in all economic, racial and religious groups around the world. Not all individuals prenatally exposed to alcohol are necessarily affected. Yet, many have physical, learning, and/or sensory challenges that result in behavioral issues. Although similarities exist, no two individuals are affected the exact same way. It is considered a whole body disorder. It is a lifelong medical diagnosis that the child will not grow out of. Although there is much in the media describing isolated tragedies of living with FASD, there are also many, many stories of hope and success. There are over… [more]

According to my brother, the Peace Corps got it right when they said it was “the toughest job you’ll ever love.”  But, I think the phrase could equally apply to motherhood. As an adoptive parent, I never experienced pregnancy and all the fun, pain, and wonder that comes along with it.  Instead, I adopted a daughter from Russia and another from Guatemala with all the fun, pain, and wonder that comes along with that. I love being a mother, but it is the toughest job I’ve ever had…without training.  As I watch them grow into beautiful young ladies, I am struck at how much work goes into raising them. Raising  “normal” child is difficult and challenging enough, but when a child has special needs, such… [more]

For some time, Bunny has been experiencing a reoccurring nightmare.  She dreams monsters come in our house and eat our entire family, except for her.  She is left alone with no parents, no home, and no place to go. The dream follows the same script with a few variations.  Once the monsters burned the house down and roasted us inside.  They have tried smashing the house, but when they were unsuccessful, they went to our barn and ate all of the animals.  The rest of the dream is always the same, we end up dead and Bunny ends up alone. We’ve tried countless times to help Bunny with the dreams that leave her overtired and unsettled.  Once we talked her through a dream… [more]

Sometimes I wonder if I am screwing up my kids or if they are screwing up me.  A part of me has always thought that somehow my mother’s issues became my issues, and as hard as I try not to be like my mother…I’ve become my mother.  Frankly, I think mothers are the reason therapists have jobs. So, as I raise my daughters, I worry how much my issues and neuroses have affected them.  Am I setting them up for years of therapy? Therapy around our house is commonplace.  For the last six years, one or all of us has seen a therapist on a fairly regular basis.  Therapy has helped us diagnosis, understand, and cope with our children’s reactive attachment disorder. It’s not just… [more]

Well hallelujah I found one, a behavior program that actually works. A friend told me about the University of Utah's Neuropsychiatric Institute's program that they use on their inpatient unit, and we've been using it for the last couple of weeks. Dare I hope that the calm that has settled over our house will stay? Points and privileges are the keys to the program, and getting kids to view parents as the givers of all things good, rather than the takers away. First, I made a list of all the activities throughout the day that my kids can get points for. My friend's kids could earn 4 points a day, mine can earn 14. (I use a different program for my 15-year-old that I… [more]

My 15-year-old son has given me reason lately to wonder whether he carries more shame than his peers. About a week ago, I found my husband's Iphone upstairs where the kids bedrooms are and where it definitely did not have permission to be. I asked all three kids and all three kids denied using (aka stealing) it. My husband asked all three kids and they denied it to him. We asked all three kids together and they still all three denied it. It was quite a dilemma since they all lie. Who to believe? Or rather, who not to believe? Sleuth that I am, I called AT&T to get as much info as I could. They told me someone… [more]

I once had a stress fracture in college.  I was teaching five aerobics classes a week, on a concrete floor, in thin leather dance shoes.  I looked really cute and fit, but the combination was bad for my leg. Stress fractures aren’t an actual break in the bone and you can’t really see them on an x-ray, but they are incredibly painful and if not treated, they can create more complex problems later. I have a stress fracture right now, but it isn’t in my bones. It is in my marriage. I adore and love my husband and I know he feels the same about me, but after years of dealing with two children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), our relationship is suffering from the stress. My… [more]

Having three special needs kids, I have tried literally dozens of behavior programs over the years, but still haven't found anything that really works. The latest idea (from my next door neighbor) was to pay my 8-year-old a nickel every time he did something he was supposed to do and take a nickel away every time he failed to do something or did something naughty. That lasted about a week. It was great when Justin was getting the nickels, but when he lost a nickel, he became so upset and angry that it was worse than the naughty behavior that lost him the nickel in the first place. If I would tell him that he had lost a nickel for that behavior, it just… [more]

Today was the first day of school and after seven years of practice, I think we've almost got it. It's helpful to know your children well enough that you can anticipate their reactions and help them compensate for their weaknesses. I have one in high school, one in junior high and one in elementary school, all with different schedules, start times and finish times. It's a little bit like being in a Paris train station with the destinations, arrival and departure times whipping around the boards continuously. I knew Gavin (10th grade) was going to be very anxious until he actually got to school this morning, so I didn't worry too much about him trying to sleep all day yesterday, or… [more]