Pitfall # 1 – People Just Don’t Know What Trauma Can Do

Pitfall # 2 – People Don’t WANT to Acknowledge that a Child can be Traumatized

Pitfall # 3 It Must Be the Adoptive Parents’ Fault

Pitfall... more

Do you ever struggle with yourself over being a good parent versus being a bad parent? For example, if your child really wants to play soccer and you can’t afford it, or can’t transport because of your work hours, so you don’t let your child play, do you feel like a bad parent?

I find myself in this type of quandary about some discipline issues with my special needs children. Do I use the same discipline with them that I use with our average children? If I do, is it fair to them, considering their mental disabilities? If I don’t use the... more

It’s interesting that several of the listserves I’m on right now are discussing how to “get the word out” or how hard it is to make others understand the plight of traumatized children and their families. Although the discussions have taken decidedly different turns on each list, there are several common pitfalls that keep the rest of the world from understanding what these children and families need.

Pitfall # 1: People Just Don’t Know What Trauma Can Do

I’ve said before that if I had a nickel for every time someone... more

How many times have you read through a description of either a waiting child, or a pregnant mother who is consider placing a child for adoption, and wondered…What do all of these abbreviations mean? I remember when we were new perspective adoptive parents, PAPs, we were very confused about the meanings of all the initials. In fact, we probably wasted the time of some adoption professionals, by checking into situations that we would not be able to consider, because we didn’t know the code.

Please share this list with anyone you know who is... more

Margaret Mikol is a mom after my own heart. Even though we’ve never met, I feel like I know a great deal about her. Margaret is the mom of a special needs child. In 1978, her daughter, Julia, was born with a severe combined immunodeficiency, a condition that required a completely sterile environment. Like the “boy in the bubble”, Julia lived at the hospital (and so did Margaret) for years. Like the parents of Katie Beckett, the Mikols quickly exceeded their insurance coverage and had to rely on Medicaid to cover the $350,000 annual price tag. Like Katie Beckett,... more

In my last blog, I talked about the various reactions our friends have when we start parenting our special needs children and how it can often result in the loss of a friendship. But does it always have to? Nope, not always…

Be straight-forward. Friends often say the wrong thing trying to help. “You’re worrying too much” may not be the indictment we think it was meant to be. Instead our friend (who may also be worried) is trying... more

If you’re parenting a special needs child, chances are your friends and family have faced a very large adjustment as well. Some of them, sadly, are just not able to cope.

I’m “listening” to a conversation on one of the listserves I belong to started by the mother of a young boy with significant special needs (developmental, emotional, trauma). She is lamenting that a friend she’s had for years just doesn’t get it. Others are chiming in with similar stories. In fact, it doesn’t take very long before most parents of special needs children feel like... more

My oldest daughter has accused me of wanting others to think I am a martyr. According to her, I’m writing about the issues, we have dealt with over the years with our special needs children; so that others can read about it and think I am a really great parent. She vented at length about my writing, and then reminded me of all my faults.

First, I acknowledged her pain and her anger and gave her the right to own it. She has feelings and I have no right to deny her feelings. If I were to argue with her about her feelings, then I would risk alienating... more

I hate to cause jealousy among you, but we may have access to a nearly perfect camp and it is only about 20 miles from where we live. Why would I dare to make such a claim? They take our special needs children and never complain or kick them out. This week, I know of seven adopted special needs children there for respite, and I don’t know everyone, so there are probably others. I only know of one child who was sent home early in the past, and that was for smoking cigarettes at camp.

The camp only charges 10 dollars for the week. That is correct, not a... more

I was just finishing reading Cindy’s blog this morning about dangerous threats, when the phone rang. It was one of my fellow foster and adoptive parents, licensed with the same agency as us.

A couple of months ago, she had contacted me to provide respite care for her two foster children. At the time, she had called everyone on the respite list provided by DHS, Department of Human Services, and apparently, no one was willing or able to provide... more