Note: Continued blogs about my memory of parenting LuLu/seeking help.

I was so excited to be at the ATTACh conference. It was like a huge “shopping mall” of people versed in attachment and trauma. While I had been reading for years, and crossed the country in search of a therapist, here was a treasure of information in one place. This was 2001, before I had connected with Nancy Spoolstra (I knew her in cyberspace, but hadn’t connected with her organization, ATN).

In each workshop I learned more and more. But two workshops were especially... more

Spurred on by our early success in getting LuLu to talk, we decided attachment was her major issue and began searching for another attachment therapist. This quest took us to a professional out of our state for an intensive. LuLu made much progress, and my hopes were high. Her hours of sleeping increased to about four hours at a time without waking, although rarely more than eight hours total in a whole day.

But I was floundering in juggling the demands of being the kind of therapeutic mom I needed to be along with working full-time. Less than a year... more

We were perplexed by what the professionals at the international adoption clinic had to say. But I had found another source of information that was giving me a different perspective. An adoptive mom who was studying to become a therapist was organizing a list serve now known as Attach-China. What she and others were reporting there sounded so much like my daughter’s issues. I was happy to find someone who was seeing similar issues with sleep, language, rages and odd behaviors.

It’s hard to remember the exact steps I took next. But the more I delved into attachment... more

LuLu’s rages continued and became more frequent. In hindsight I believe she had dissociated for the first several months home. And all at once, like switching on a light, she had come out of that and into a full blown “fight” mode. Her main weapon was to scratch everyone in sight (herself included). Drawing blood produced an odd sense of relief in her.

Words can not describe the panic we felt. We began searching for help in what we felt were usual places…her pediatrician and then a local international adoption clinic. The pediatrician was quick to realize that... more

I was so unprepared for what lie ahead with parenting LuLu. I knew nothing about post-institutionalized children. And there was no one telling me. Our adoption agency did nothing to prepare me (except supply me with a reading list). I clearly remember the only book that hinted at attachment problems, Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins Best. I remember slamming the book shut, convinced that “that will never happen to us”. The issues she describes in that book are so tame compared to all we’ve been through.

The one advantage that Super... more

A friend asked me if I’d ever blogged in detail about how we “healed” LuLu’s attachment disorder. I have written several times that I know her attachment to us is much healthier than it was, but haven’t necessarily talked about how we got there. I’ve got to tell you that it hasn’t been a direct route. And as I play it back in my mind, although I know that her attachment is greatly healed, I still question which parts are which in a child with so many disorders.

So maybe, if I review it all here, you, my readers, can jump in with any insights. After nearly a... more

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about my daughter trying to steal a prepackaged cinnamon role that created quite a stir over on the Christian Adoption blog. Kelly from the foster adopt blog commented that from her years of foster care adoption she came to realize that stealing food is about control and not about hunger. A few months ago, we brought back the credit sheet at our house. Children can earn up to 10 credits a day, for turning in schoolwork, doing their chores, putting their dishes in the sink, etc. Every 10... more

John brought up a good point in response to a blog I wrote about my daughter stealing instead of asking. He said, “I have to wonder if being caught is part of the package, not something to be avoided.” What if she is stealing with the plan of being caught? Why on earth would anyone steal with the intent of being caught you may ask? I would say that it is reasonable to assume that she might be doing it for the attention. I hadn’t thought of this before John brought it up. However, when she takes something that doesn’t belong to her, she gets to sit down with both of her parents... more

I actually expected her to show up on Christmas day at grandma’s house. She showed up last year on Christmas day as well as on her birthday and at her brother’s graduation party. I took her gifts with me just as I had the previous year. No, I didn’t invite her. Actually, I cannot invite her. You see she has not given me her address or her phone number since she left home angry18 months ago.

I was a little surprised when she did not show up, especially when her older sister, brother-in-law, and nieces showed up. After all, she lived with them for almost a year after... more

Our adult daughter, whom we adopted at the age of nine, showed up last weekend at our teen son’s open house, but I didn’t know it until I saw her on our couch. She had failed to greet me upon her arrival, which didn’t surprise me, what did surprise me was that she showed up. You see she hasn’t been to our home since her angry and abrupt departure nine months ago when she turned 18.

She had a horrible childhood, or so I hear. Granted she was in trouble quite often and frequently had to hear me yell at her. She lost privileges on a routine basis before her behavior became stabilized through monthly visits to a psychiatrist, and various medications, when she was about 15. Apparently,... more