A Day In the Life of FAS / FAE

Today was the first day of school and after seven years of practice, I think we've almost got it. It's helpful to know your children well enough that you can anticipate their reactions and help them compensate for their weaknesses. I have one in high school, one in junior high and one in elementary school, all with different schedules, start times and finish times. It's a little bit like being in a Paris train station with the destinations, arrival and departure times whipping around the boards continuously. I knew Gavin (10th grade) was going to be very anxious until he actually got to school this morning, so I didn't worry too much about him trying to sleep all day yesterday, or… [more]

I attended an IEP meeting with my daughter’s Special Education team recently. For over an hour, I listened to her teachers report on her progress. Most of the teachers were apologetic; even with tutoring and extra support, my girl is still just short of passing most of her classes. By academic standards, she is failing. It’s not for lack of trying; she works very hard. It’s not her fault. Quite frankly, the fault rests with her mother. When we adopted Lena at 6 years old, she was living in an orphanage in Kazakhstan, already labeled by the caregivers as a willful, slow child. Lena is almost 14 now. She’s come a long way from the stubborn, withdrawn little girl we brought home…but… [more]

My 14-year-old adopted daughter seems to be making huge efforts lately to do the exact opposite of whatever I say. She has even taken it to the ridiculous level of not doing things she wants to do that are good. For example, I went through the McDonalds drive thru the other day. As the employee handed me the drinks, I handed them back to the children. Most of them stood up and grabbed their drinks. Most stood up, except for my 14-year-old daughter of course. She refused to take off her seatbelt and stand up and she was in the second to the last bench seat in our 15-passenger van. Therefore, I sat her drink and her meal on the floor of the van between the… [more]

Struggling with controlling impulses seems to be a common problem among traumatized children. It doesn’t seem to matter whether that trauma was in utero from drug or alcohol exposure, or inflicted during early life. Our adopted children, with a trauma history, FAS, or RAD, seem to all have struggles with impulse control. Sometimes, it seems like the behavior was intentional. I have often asked my 11-year-old recently adopted daughter if she thought about the consequences of her actions. I have also asked if she would want another person to treat her or her property the same way. She always tells me that she doesn’t think about the consequences of her actions until she is finished. It is only then, that she realizes that she should… [more]

Ok, Super Dad has tried to tell me over the years. But, I did not want to listen. Why didn’t I want to listen or believe him? I suppose that would be admitting that our daughter is not going to get better. During her first year of living with us therapist, teachers, and foster care workers all praised her progress. Then she turned five and continued to make progress that surprised many. By the time she was six, I believed that her original delays were from lack of early stimulation. Yes, we could fix her and that year we adopted her. She had always taken things from school. She would put them in her backpack and bring them home from pre-primary impaired class. Of course, we… [more]

A wise friend, Rachel, and I were chatting about our daughters. Both 14-year-old teenagers, both adopted as young children, not infants, both exposed to alcohol before birth. A combination of the Fetal Alcohol exposure, poor early parenting, and possibly genetics has left our daughters challenged. They are challenged academically, developmentally, and socially. That seems to be very common with children like ours. Rachel pointed out that most teenagers are thinking about the direction they will take in life. Most teenagers spend more time with friends and try to act or operate like adults wanting to understand the world by themselves. We both realize Rachel pointed out, that the world is a complex place that demands flexibility and quick judgments by those who desire success. Either… [more]

When you have children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or effect, you come to expect the good days and the bad. You so appreciate the good days. Sometimes you become stuck thinking that is how your children should act all of the time. You may even think that your children could act that way if they wanted. Probably you are getting a glimpse of how your children would be if they had not been exposed to alcohol while forming. Unfortunately, they were exposed to alcohol and it has messed up their brains forever. Trust me; they are not any happier about it than you are. While you get frustrated trying to parent a child who sometimes has random actions and words, imagine living that way. Frankly, I… [more]

We have a teenage daughter who has FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) whom we adopted at the age of six. Conversations with her can be difficult. Sometimes she misinterprets our words and sometimes she acts before we finish talking. There are even times when we tell her very clearly what she should do, but she does something else. She seems to have preconceived ideas about what she is going to do and doesn't really listen to our instructions. The older she gets the worse these habits seem to be getting. Life with her at home can be quite challenging. I find myself being frustrated with her more than pleased. That is why yesterday I invited her to go horseback riding with me. Sometimes teenagers and children talk… [more]

Over the 14 years of providing a foster home to children, we have gotten used to many behaviors. You might even be surprised to know what we consider normal that is unless you have been a foster parent to toddlers and older children yourself. The children with passive aggressive behaviors far outnumber the “in your face” outspoken children in foster care. The outspoken children will tell you where to shove it so you know exactly what they are thinking. The passive aggressive children say “yes” to your face, and then break something or make a mess. It no longer bothers me to have my lamps broken, family heirlooms destroyed, or feces painted on the bathroom walls. I can live with having a gouge down the entire… [more]

My 14-year-old adopted daughter turned to me aghast. “Why are you trying to make me fail?” she asked. “Why are you accusing me of trying to make you fail Lyn,” I asked softly. “If I had not given you the cinnamon rolls what would you have done?” “I would have waited until nobody was looking and I would have stolen them,” she actually responded honestly. “Well Lyn, when you take things without asking, your parents don’t trust you. I don’t like what not trusting you does to our relationship. Therefore, I want you to have all the sugar you want so you are not tempted to sneak it,” I explained. “But you know when I eat sugar I can’t do my work right, I do it… [more]