Pitfall # 1 – People Just Don’t Know What Trauma Can Do

Pitfall # 2 – People Don’t WANT to Acknowledge that a Child can be Traumatized

Pitfall # 3 It Must Be the Adoptive Parents’ Fault

Pitfall # 4: Let's Shoot the Messenger

Pitfall # 5 – Knowing All the Challenges, Am I Still An Adoption Advocate?
Now there’s the $64,000 question. And this very topic is right now being discussed on a listserve I’m on. The parents, almost all adoptive, are discussing whether or not they are really pro-adoption. Remember that these are people whose families and lives have been turned upside down by adopting a child with major challenges caused by trauma.

Many have quit their jobs and gone in debt for therapies. Many of had to install locks and cameras and institute other safety measures to keep children from hurting other family members. Some have had child abuse claims filed against them (either by the children or by well-meaning “friends” who didn’t understand who was getting abused in the home). Some have taken on battles with school districts, insurance companies, doctors, therapists or others. All are wounded, bloodied, exhausted.

Asking the parents in this group if they are pro-adoption or if they would adopt this child again, given the opportunity, aren’t really fair questions. I have such mixed feelings about answering these questions myself.

Am I Pro-Adoption?

Yes, I’d say that I truly feel adoption is a very viable way to create a family. I feel, based on my faith belief, that people are “called” to adopt children regardless of their own fertility/biological situation. I also believe that adoption can be a wonderful answer to creating a family where all parties have experienced loss (loss of birthparents and loss due to infertility).

Would I Advise Friends to Adopt?

Yes, with their eyes wide open. I know plenty of families who have adopted and not had the level of challenges we have had. But I don’t know many who have not had some challenges (especially in the areas of attachment, adoption grief or emotional issue). I think prospective parents need to be told of these things. I realize that it scares some away. I also realize that my family is not the “poster family” for adoption. In fact, we have some close friends who have considered becoming foster parents (mostly because they’ve seen the level of need through my involvement with ATN). At the same time, they’ve decided that it might pose to hard for their family at this juncture (they still have kids at home). I think they would make awesome foster parents…very caring, very structured and would be in it for the kids. In my opinion, their eyes are wide open to the realities of adoption and foster care.

Will We Adopt Again?

Some folks use this as a measure as to whether I’m truly pro-adoption. The answer is “no, we will not be adopting again.” I would love to be able to reach out to more children. But our household is tapped out with LuLu (financially, emotionally, physically). It would be grossly unfair to all of us to bring another child into that situation.

Would You Adopt this Child Again?

This is the question I hate most of all, as there is no way I know the answer. I think if you went into adoption knowing your child was going to have a certain special need, answering “yes” would be easier. But I think those of us who have been hit with the extreme challenge of “combo platter” kids and all the associated challenges of fighting to get them the services they need…it’s harder not to recognize how greatly that’s impacted our lives. There are many, many days I can not give you a resounding “yes” I would adopt LuLu again…despite it all. (However, I know very clearly that if I was at the beginning of our journey again, there are several things I would have changed, done sooner, pursued harder, etc.)

And this was the point of the listserve conversation…how can we be true advocates when we’re not pro-adoption? Are we really anti-adoption just because we don’t want to see families destroyed by a child’s traumatic past that wreaks havoc in ways the family was never prepared for? Is it fair to those children waiting for homes to scare prospective parents? Or is it fair to the prospective parents not to level with them about the risks? In otherwords, what are we advocating for and whose side are we on any????


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