Pitfall # 1 – People Just Don’t Know What Trauma Can Do

Pitfall # 2 – People Don’t WANT to Acknowledge that a Child can be Traumatized

Pitfall # 3 It Must Be the Adoptive Parents’ Fault

As I talk with parents of traumatized children, many passionate about reaching out to other families and to making their lives easier, I find that most have one thing in common…somewhere along the way they have been blamed for their children’s problems.

Often it is by those closest to them…family members, friends, even their own mothers.

This is especially devastating for those adopting due to infertility, especially if their traumatized child(ren) is their only parenting experience. It’s easy to believe that your “trusted” friend or family member is right…that there must be something you’re doing wrong. And since, somewhere along the infertility trail you may have gotten the message that maybe you just weren’t cut out to be a parent, your worst nightmare seems to be coming true and these fears are confirmed.

So, those children and families often most in need of help don’t get it, because the parents are trying harder to be/do whatever the “well-meaning” critics in their lives are telling them. Meanwhile, things don’t get any better…frustration grows…and time’s a-wastin’!

It’s nearly impossible to advocate for your own child, let alone others, when you are parenting under this cloud of inadequacy. And the more people who tell you that you’re wrong, the harder it becomes.

To add fuel to the fire, our traumatized children have an innate ability to tap into our feelings of inadequacy. And because the trust and intimate relationship that healthy families enjoy is impaired, no matter how much these parents try to do the “right” thing and give to the child, it comes back devoid. And those looking in continue to suggest that it is something the parent is doing or not doing…

The cycle becomes vicious and even the parents who somehow know the challenges they are facing weren’t precipitated by them still find it difficult to advocate for themselves and their families, let alone anyone else.

These are the families that, if they find ATN or other groups who understand the parenting challenges, are often blown away that there is “someone else living my life”. Out of all this adversity, some of these parents do become staunch advocates. And we are so fortunate that they do.

But the challenges of advocacy are many….


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