The major life lesson for me over the last year or two has been one of Integrity. What is Integrity? Dictionary.com defines it as:

adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

Simple in definition; complex in application. Yet, my life lesson has been to learn that the world is sorely lacking in integrity and if there is one gift I can give to my children…the ones with special needs included…it is to teach integrity.

I found a most interesting philosophical discussion on what integrity is. And it ain’t nearly as simple as the dictionary makes it sound. This work, coming out of Stanford, elaborates on integrity in five ways:

1. Integrity as Self-Integration. The concept is that in order to have integrity a person has to be wholly integrated within himself. In other words, his actions need to match his belief system. This can be very difficult for emotionally disabled children. I watch LuLu struggle with this daily. She knows the morally appropriate behaviors and the principles and is remorseful when she falls short. Yet, the integration of these into herself is far from complete.
2. Identify View of Integrity. This one is described as commitment and honoring commitments.
3. Integrity as Standing for Something.
4. Integrity as Moral Purpose
5. Integrity as a Virtue

The bottom line is that Integrity is a difficult thing to achieve, and even more difficult to teach. But to me it is the essence of a person’s character. It is always aligned with trying to do the right thing…not necessarily the easy thing.

Over the past year I have been in several situations where persons I expected more from have lacked integrity. They have not honored commitments. They have not been honest. They have not stood for something. They have said one thing and done another. And these were people, who by virtue of their position in society, should have been striving for integrity because many people were trusting them. They should have been walking the walk instead of just talking the talk.

And in each encounter, lives have been significantly damaged. The pain caused by these people lacking integrity has been immense. The problem is that these people were in a position of trust – where the people around them, just by virtue of their position, trusted them.

This is true for our traumatized children. Their parents (the original ones) were in a position of trust. We are supposed to be able to trust our parents, right? And when this trust is broken, it is nearly impossible to re-establish. Enter adoptive parents, who are trying to establish trust. And we have to work overtime to make this happen. We have to be parents of integrity.

I met with a woman of integrity yesterday. I found her in an unlikely place (our school system). Now the school system has definitely been a place that has broken my trust, a place I originally expected to find honest, commitment, genuine concern. I have a teaching degree and am well aware there is a code of ethics. But for over a year, I have been heartbroken by this devastating loss of trust. Yet, here this woman was, truly trying to do what’s right. She was honest about her findings and opinions.

And you know what? I reacted very much how our children with Attachment Disorder react.. My logical brain recognizes her sincerity. I want to trust her. Yet, I CAN’T. It’s too scary. I’m too wounded. I need to protect myself from further pain. I know I was defensive during the meeting. I tried hard not to be rude, but I was not letting my guard down. And now, even though she was very honest and forthright, I’m walking around “waiting for the other shoe to fall”. I’m cynical and suspicious. Most people would say that’s a natural response to all I’ve been through. This is true for our children coming from abuse and neglect and from multiple placements and broken trusts, too.

So how can we teach integrity to our kids, especially the wounded ones?