I just posted a four-part open letter from Amy Eldridge, Director of Operations for Love Without Boundaries.

I don’t know Amy personally, although I know “of her” in cyberspace and admire her organization and her dedication to Chinese orphans. They are doing great things for orphans in China. As I stated earlier, I think there is much she got right in her open letter to those adopting from China.

It dismays me and boggles my mind that prospective parents of any child who has been raised in an institution don’t understand the differences in that child’s development that institutionalization can bring about. Even though Amy’s letter says adopting from China is very similar to giving birth…it is not! Adopting is NOT like giving birth. There are marked differences. All the blogs on adoptionblogs.com acknowledge this in various ways, from various angles. Amy captures some of those differences, but then goes on to try to “normalize” adoption and post-institutional issues. Why? Because no matter what angle you look at international adoption from, the problem remains…some children (the number is highly debated) have post-institutionalized issues that greatly impact their quality of life, and that of their families, for the rest of their lives. Yet, most people involved in international adoption have a passion for it and recognize that many of the orphans have the resilience to overcome a mountain of obstacles. This is not always the case, though. Or sometimes overcoming the obstacles comes at a tremendous price.

So, it’s an interesting dichotomy. One I’m definitely caught in as well. Was I prepared for LuLu? Heck no! Why not? Was it a lack of effort on my part? Was it a lack of information from my agency? Was it a “this won’t happen to me” mentality? Was it the inability to believe that an infant/toddler could be so profoundly affected by the institution? Was it that no one emphasized the dangers for us?

Yes to all of the above!

Who to blame for the situation is a hard call. Amy blames the prospective parents for not being prepared. I can see that; and acknowledge my part in not wanting to know about severe emotional disorders, attachment, post-traumatic stress. I clearly remember reading “Toddler Adoption: A Weaver’s Craft” and putting the book away during what I thought were rough chapters about attachment and attachment disorder. I remember clearing thinking “This won’t happen to us.” Now, when I read this book, it seems so tame and simple compared to what the last 8 years of life have been like.

But, I can’t carry the “blame” for my lack of preparedness alone. Our agency did nothing in terms of preparation. Reading “Toddler Adoption” was the suggestion of an on-line acquaintance, not an agency recommendation. We were offered no pre-adoptive training and when I let the agency know post-adoption that my daughter’s delays were significant, she wasn’t able to sleep more that 1-2 hours at a time, and that I was starting to discover that she might be struggling with attachment or trauma issues (this was about 9 months after the adoption), I was told to “tone down” this part of my post-adoption report going back to China.

It is my fault that I didn’t hold the agency’s feet to the fire for more support from them. But, I guess I was instinctively saving my battles for people/resources who could really help us. Or for the fights we are currently enduring.

It’s encouraging with families report that agencies are doing a good job of training and preparing parents. It’s even more encouraging when I hear that agencies are providing post-adoptive support and resources. Why? Because I don’t believe that there’s a “solution” to the problem of pre-adoptive parents not understanding what they are getting into.

Here’s why: It is not in the best interest of either party (agency or parents) to dwell on the worst-case scenario. (Agencies are about placing children and making money doing that; waiting parents are about seeking and obtaining that "perfect" child.) Therefore, both parties soften and “talk around” what it looks like if the worst comes to fruition. I was standing on the banks of that river of Denial, but so was my agency, who was spouting advice like, “Chinese orphans are always much healthier than other orphans.” “You’re adopting from one of the country’s best orphanages.” Or even what Amy says in her letter, “They are just suffering from institutional issues and will catch up quickly in a loving home.” Hmmm…so just loving them is enough????

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