Much of what Sandra (International Adoption Blog) had to say in her recent Perfect World posts is right on! She expressed, very clearly, my beliefs of how marginalized and discounted millions of children around the world are. But I have to say one question she posed in her first post on this topic bothered me a great deal. It was in reference to the disabled Iraqi boys found chained, naked and starving in an orphanage.

The father of one of the children (so they weren’t orphans in the true definition, huh?) was quoted as saying that:

"If we were living in a normal country, I would have sued these criminals,"

I can only cynically chuckle at that one (like suing the government is going to give his children the food, clothing and nurturing they so desperately needed????) Yet, I can’t totally condemn this parent.

Sandra asked the question:

Does war negate all parental responsibilities?

No, of course not. But do I understand why a parent in the midst of a war, without the reliable electricity, housing, food supply, and likely having to move from place to place for safety reasons, would place their child in a orphanage…especially their special needs child? Yes, I do.

As I sit here in middle class suburbia, in my two-story house with air condition, at my computer with high-speed internet access, I am fully aware at how different my life is from this Iraqi father. Yet, despite my husband’s healthy professional income, we have sacrificed much for our disabled child. Without the expenses there would be regular vacations, home improvements, clothes and other luxuries (that those in our socio-economic group consider needs) that we, too would have. As I argue with the insurance company, watch my credit card balance grow, look at the loan we have taken to pay our attorney to fight the school system, and gather the medical bills that come in the mail, I’m reminded that we’re a quick breath away from financial disaster…right here in the middle of the promised land.

How much more desperate would our lives be if there was continuous war raging in the street outside my house, no food or clean water, my husband dead, no income or way to provide for our family? At what point would I decide that I could no longer care for LuLu, but instead place her in a place where supposedly they would be fed and cared for? (Something tells me that the orphanage operators didn’t outright tell the parents we’re going to strip, chain and starve your children…but then, again, perhaps they did and these parents are to blame.) Would I place her in an orphanage in order to keep the dwindling supply of resources I had for my other children, who were healthy and could grow up strong, able to work and support others? If forced to choose which of my family members lived and which ones were discarded, would I?

I understand Sandra’s disgust at what seems to be an almost flippant answer of wanting to “sue criminals” for the deplorable acts done to these children and seemingly not taking any action or responsibility for the children’s mistreatment himself. But I know that the news media report sound bites that sell. It takes a lot more space to flesh out the complexities that parents of special needs children in a war zone face. When I read these stories I’m struck with an overwhelming gratitude that no matter how difficult my life is (and it’s plenty more difficult than the average suburbanite in middle class America), I have not had to make such life and death decisions or witness such gross inhumanity, or to live with myself after having to choose between family members’ survival. But I can honestly say that in these Iraqi parents’ shoes, I don’t know what I’d do (except I’m pretty sure a lawsuit would not be at the top of my list).

Photo Credit: Cage used for mentally ill in asylums pre-1850.