One of the main differences I’ve found in teaching LuLu basic things like self-care, housecleaning or simple independent living skills is how purposeful I need to be about explaining each step. Just like with socialization, children without disabilities usually pick up much of this knowledge through observation. With our children, we can’t assume that they will pick up this knowledge without direct instruction.

LuLu is highly intelligent and can do many things for herself. So the challenge is to determine just what she can do and where the knowledge is lacking. And when it’s something other than knowledge that prevents her from accomplishing something. For example, LuLu still has a very rough time showering or bathing alone. She can physically do it – turn on the faucet and adjust the temperature. But either because of noise sensitivity or trauma memories (or both) it is anxiety-producing for her to get all this started without mom present. Yet her ability to clean herself is fine.

Understanding your child’s specific areas of disabilities will help you anticipate problems. For example, if your child has problems with spatial awareness, they are likely going to have problems organizing their room and figuring out which items would fit in which size drawers or spaces. They could, however, learn to put things away if you organized for them and were purposeful in labeling and teaching them where things go (color coding or symbols can be used if child has reading problems).

One of the biggest ways that I’m purposeful when I’m trying to teach LuLu a self-help skill is by “thinking out loud” about what I’m doing. For example, LuLu is at the age/stage where she really wants to help in the kitchen. And it’s good for her to learn these skills. There are obvious things I don’t let her do (cut with knives, open cans, carry hot pans). But cooking presents lots of opportunity to apply reading, math and other skills.

Here’s how “thinking out loud” works. I will talk (to myself) about what I am doing, why I’m doing it, and things I need to think about while I’m doing whatever the activity is. This provides LuLu with the logic base for what I’m doing – and gives her an opportunity to help. Examples:

1. “Ok, we’re going to have salad, so I’ll need to set out the dressing.”
2. “If each person gets one baked potato, how many do I need to fix?”
3. “The meat takes longer to cook than the green beans, so I’ll put it on the grill and then come inside and put the beans in the microwave.”

Saying these things does several things for LuLu.

First, it gives her the logic and strategy behind what I’m doing – something our children don’t often have. Just because I make and set a salad on the table doesn’t mean LuLu recognizes the need for dressing. But by saying it, I often get her to volunteer “I’ll get it out, Mom.” This gives her a sense of accomplishment, reduces the tasks I have to do, and keeps us out of that whole opposition thing. If I had told her to get the dressing out, I may have been met with resistance.

The number of potatoes question gives LuLu the chance to respond before me (and I always hesitate before answering my own question.) But if I had asked her directly and she couldn’t figure out the answer it would have been another unsuccessful moment in her life, and her negativity would have been triggered.

The final example is to teach sequencing and logic skills. LuLu, who is weak in both area, often doesn’t respond when I say these types of things, but I do it out loud anyway, because I know it’s the only way she’s ever going to learn it.