I’m definitely foggy today, not really knowing what to think and how to feel.

We hospitalized LuLu last night. While I could easily start questioning myself on whether or not this was a good idea, the truth is she needed it, I needed it, and we needed another group of people’s opinion on what to do next. With children who have complex issues, the only way that professionals can truly get the picture is to spend a great deal of time with them.

It wasn’t something I’d been thinking about doing – it sort of just happened. Since the hair incident, it has become increasingly apparent that LuLu feels very distressed by her own disabilities and “hates being me”. This is starting to manifest itself with the desire to hurt (or kill) herself. As things have escalated, it has become obvious we needed to call in the infantry.

My emotions are running the gamut this morning . I told Nancy that I’m feeling a bit “bipolar” today – not to lessen the harsh reality of that disorder, but I am definitely swinging from manic to depressed about the whole situation. So figuring out what to blog about has been difficult. There are many things I was thinking about as topics, but they all seem to pale in comparison to our current family happenings.

I have no choice but to share all this with you. I have to get it off my brain. And maybe some of you will find value in hearing about another mom’s experience with seeking psychiatric care for her daughter. I realize this is still a taboo subject in so many circles. But it shouldn’t be. So here goes…

This is LuLu’s second hospitalization. The first, in December 2004 was primarily for a med wash. LuLu’s behaviors had been escalating and changing since July of that year and we’d tried a series of med changes, none of which were working as well as the original Risperdal (which at that point was causing significant weight gain). Meanwhile, at school, behaviors were escalating and LuLu was getting suspended. That too, was problematic (moreso than I knew at the time).

Taking her to the hospital that time was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life (and I’ve done some challenging things). I felt like such a failure. I felt the full brunt of the embarrassment, shame, and disappointment then. As it turned out, it was the best possible thing we could have done. The doctor there, while skeptical at first that our daughter could be so impaired, confirmed everything our private physicians had seen and more (diagnosed her with Tourettes). And she came out with a med regime that has stayed basically the same (with some minor tweaking) all these years.

Yesterday was easier. I had discussed the possibility with her psychiatrist the night before and called the insurance company in the morning to go over our coverage and placement options. Then I called the hospital and made an assessment appointment. And called the psychiatrist back to see if she’d talked to the hospital doctor.

I had told LuLu what was up (at the psychiatrist’s urging). It was the right thing to do. Many children are not told when they are taken to the hospital for these types of placements. And there are many good reasons (i.e. safety) not to do tell them. But our doctor felt that we should level with LuLu about how she needed to be hospitalized if she didn’t stop the escalation of her self-injurious behaviors. I know she was also thinking this might help mitigate any trauma triggers/abandonment issues like she had last time.

LuLu was upset, but was clear that she too thought she needed the help. Sounding almost like an adult, she verbalized that she wasn’t sure she could stop her desire to hurt herself and that she wanted help. She even volunteered to pack her bag.

The rest of the day was surreal. My “fog” began at that point. Super Dad is traveling on business and there was no way, even if he left the job yesterday afternoon, that he would have been home to help me last night. So, we called a dear friend who agreed to give up her afternoon/evening to come with us.

Next up – the many emotions I’m feeling.

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