Today, in what seemed like just a few short moments, LuLu managed to kick a hole through the area of wall in the hallway that was repaired a few months ago. (ARGH!) What precipitated this was not being able to find me. I had told her about an hour earlier that on my agenda for today was hosing the porch off to remove the pollen. I was outside wrangling with the garden hose and could hear the kicking, but LuLu kicks the walls or stomps on the floor at least once a day (usually in her room where the walls are reinforced). So frankly I didn’t think much about it.

Apparently she called out for me a couple of times, and I didn’t hear her, so she asked Super Dad where I was. He didn’t know, because he’d been upstairs when I stepped out. Rather than look for me, she began to escalate and then, according to her own honest account, kicked the dog. The dog yelped (Super Dad didn’t hear it), but the yelping triggered LuLu’s noise sensitivity and was enough to send her into full explosion mode.

We can’t have her kicking the dog, we can’t have her kicking holes in the walls. We just can’t…but after trying EVERYTHING we can think of, we’re at a loss other than to try to teach her self-calming tools and reminding her of them. Punitive punishments or tones of voice always make the situation much worse.

The other thing we make darn sure happens is restitution. She used to rage when we announced that she had to pay for repairs or lost privileges. I matter-of-factly announced that she was not going to her dad’s softball game AND that she would be responsible for doing enough chores to pay for re-hiring the young man who repaired the holes last fall. She started to escalate again, but was able to calm down.

It does, however, depress me when she does this. Out of all the behaviors and symptoms of all the disabilities and deficits she has – her inability to calm down once she reaches that certain escalation point without some type of physical outburst is the most frustrating. It is also what has probably caused the most problems with her at school and in many other settings. If she didn’t have this volcano-like tendency, the rest of the symptoms and behaviors would be so much easier to work with.

Frankly, Super Dad could have saved the wall, IF he were willing to physically intervene. But since she’s 85 lbs and nearly 5 feet tall…we don’t physically intervene like we used to. He tried, as I do when I’m witnessing this, to reach her frontal cortex by explaining that if she kicked again and harder it would likely go through the weakened part. But as we all know, it seems these episodes of hers have to run their course.

The strange, maddening, yet almost encouraging thing is how truly remorseful she is after these episodes. She was tearfully apologetic. She accepted her consequences and joined me for the porch cleaning, car washing (she completely cleaned the inside) and is now outside helping Super Dad with lawn work. She’s totally appropriate and working very hard.

This both gives me hope that she wants these explosions to stop and makes me worry because it is so much the way battered wives describe their abusers…very explosive and then very remorseful. What a vicious cycle!

I was very firm about the dog and that if the dog is abused that way again, we will have to find her a new home. I really laid it on pretty heavy that abuse of any kind was NOT tolerated in this house. Even added that she above all of us should completely understand how important it was NOT to abuse a pet or small child because of the fear that put in them. She soaked it all in. And she’s so calm, and remorseful.

Yet…I know that so much of that initial explosion is beyond her cognitive control. It is at the heart of her neurological impairment. And the trigger of “feeling abandoned” by not being able to find me, coupled with the dog’s yelp triggering sensory overload was enough to fully explode.

I understand how it happens…just not how to get it to stop!

Sigh…it’s definitely not easy parenting this child…but it’s still easier than being her!

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