At times, I have found it difficult to transition my parenting tactics when a child's behavior has significantly improved. Think about how you parent each child in your home. A toddler needs constant supervision and so do some older children. For example, a child who has perpetrated another child, self-mutilated, or extremely destructive may require vigilant parenting. You may need to either remain in the same room as the child or strategically place monitors in rooms so you can hear everything going on. You remain on high alert, ready to intervene within seconds.

Think about a toddler. A toddler grows, matures, and begins seeking independence from the parent. You allow the child to explore and gradually begin to give the child more freedom. You begin to trust the child to handle himself appropriately and begin withdrawing your supervision.

In the same manner a traumatized child may mature and begin to earn trust. You may begin to withdraw your constant supervision when it is no longer necessary. Ideally, at some point the child will be treated like a “normal” child. This is the point where I struggle with transitioning my parenting tactics. I seem to remain on high alert long past the point where it was necessary.

I have wondered at those times if it might have been better for the child to move on to a new family. A family who wouldn't know about all of the naughty things the child had done in the past. A family who would give the child a fresh start or as Marie pointed out over in the Christian adoption blog a clean slate.

However, if the behaviors had to do with the child's attachment process, then I suppose they might repeat themselves. If the child is struggling with abandonment issues over leaving the placement then the new family may deal with significant behaviors as well.

We accepted a 15-year-old girl as a temporary foster care placement a few years ago. We were her eighth placement. She followed the same pattern in each placement so that they disrupted in three to five months. She was supposed to be with us for a week because we already had eight children at home. Instead, we lasted six months with a variance for nine children.

She went through three more placements in the next nine months, all disrupting for similar reasons. We took her back and kept her for almost a year until she graduated and turned 18. She pulled many of the same stunts only everyone was on to her game this time. Unfortunately, we had to remain on high alert throughout parenting her.


Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2007