I caught wind of a disturbing discussion yesterday, one in which some prospective adoptive families are seeking to adopt internationally are looking toward adopting children through disruptions as a “cheaper, easier and faster” route to adoption. I did a complete double take, but yes, I had read correctly, the consensus of this group was that a simpler route to adopting a child was to find a family who had brought home a child and “changed their minds”.

I’m dumbfounded at this logic. I know several people who have adopted children through disruptions. In fact, many bloggers on this site fall into that category. But I’m sure each would tell you that adopting a child whose previous adoption disrupted is not “simpler” than adopting a child through any other method. In fact, it can be riddled with all kinds of landmines.

I’m perturbed that supposedly intelligent people (prospective adoptive parents) just assume that they can find a child whose adoptive parents are throwing in the towel, wave a magic wand and live happily ever after as a family. The obvious question that has to be asked is why do these folks think the parents are choosing to disrupt?

Disruption or dissolution of an adoption is a difficult, complex topic. The consensus of this group was that the first adoptive parents weren’t prepared for their child, were suffering from post-adoption depression, or had lots of unfulfilled expectations. While these are truly reasons that some adoptions don’t continue, and I’d never question the validity of post-adoption depression, the disrupted adoptions I’m familiar with usually have more to do with not having the preparation, resources or ability to parent an extremely “special” kid…usually one with severe emotional problems, trauma effects or reactive attachment disorder.

To listen to these people talk, there are lots of people hopping planes, spending thousands of dollars to adopt internationally, and coming home with kids who, when they didn’t fit perfectly into the parents’ “ideal” were ready to give them up. While I know this happens, I suspect it is the rarest form of disruption. Instead, I know numerous families who have poured everything they have, emotionally, physically and financially into a hurting child who ends up hurting them, their other children, their livelihood, their marriages, and their reputation.

I’ll admit that I am frustrated when I hear of a family that rehomes a child without trying to make things work…with therapy, interventions, etc. But that isn’t usually the case. I’m frustrated when adoptive parents aren’t willing to put forth the same effort for these children as they would for a biological child with disabilities. At the same time, I’m painfully aware that the resources for adoptive children and the special therapies that are needed are not plentiful, are sometimes very expensive and are difficult to find.

I’m also totally aware that there are many children out there, with serious issues, who do quite well when placed in different families. This phenomenon can’t always be explained. The need for families (with their eyes wide open) who are willing to adopt children from disruptions is huge. But one major factor in these children’s success is that their new parents are “ready for them”…willing, able (and usually experienced) in dealing with adoption, trauma and attachment issues. These parents aren’t thinking in terms of cheap, fast or easy.


For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.


Some posts from bloggers who have either disrupted, adopted from disruptions, or both:

Open Adoption after Disruption

The Dreaded D Word

11 Bonding Activities to use with Older Adopted Children

What Can we Do as Parents?