Special Needs Adoption, Adopting Special Needs - Consequences – Surprise! Living With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog

09/28/07

Consequences – Surprise! Living With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Posted by : Julia Fuller in Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog at 06:59 pm , 413 words, 506 views
Categories: Indicators - FAS / FAE

My friend Rachel had the following observation about her daughter’s reaction to consequences during one of my recent posts. I wanted to share it with you because she offers insight into the mixed processing of children with fetal alcohol syndrome. She also shares the frustration that so many of us feel while parenting our children with fetal alcohol syndrome when they don’t seem to learn anything from their experiences.

“Things just happen to her (surprise!!) and then she is happy or unhappy. That is the way she experiences life anyway, so why stress myself out with turning it into a "learning moment?" Nothing seems to be learned anyway, except by me. I usually learn (again) that she does not respond to consequences.”

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Logically, I know that Rachel is correct. My daughter has proven to me repeatedly that she isn’t going to change. I should not stress myself out trying to turn her experiences into learning moments. My daughter’s behavior doesn’t change; I become frustrated, angry, and stressed out and then I am reminded that she doesn’t respond to consequences. We have established this negative cycle of interaction that isn’t benefiting either of us.

At times, I feel so desperate for her to learn so that she can live as an independent adult. I practically have nightmares about people easily taking advantage of her once she is grown. Nobody dreams of living under the constant supervision of her parents for an entire lifetime, and she is no exception. Yet, she has had the exact same routine, schedule, and expectations for three years now and just can’t get it right on her own. Parts of her routine have been the same for the 10 years she has been our daughter.

As the intelligent adult here, why can’t I just accept that and allow her to experience the “natural” consequences of her choices?

The means by which it could be lifted exists, the way is at hand, but the river does not understand how to make use of it.”
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4 comments

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Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member]

· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/

I do wonder about this. Our former foster son is FAS, but living with his mother whose "parenting style" is casual at best has taught him to pay attention and make decisions that help him care for himself. He'd be dead if he didn't.
I'm astounded when I see him now, at age nine, at how he manages, and although his style is quirky and often doesn't make a lot of sense to outside observers, he has figured out how to get himself what he needs.
Plus, he also manages to take care of his mother in the ways a little boy can.
How it plays out when he's grown is yet to be seen, but it does seem that dire consequences can be learned. Perhaps, of course, this is just him and another child would not have survived this long.

Permalink 09/28/07 @ 21:18

Comment from: condo-mom [Member]

Julia -- I vacillate between Very Hopeful about my daughter learning from consequences, and Rather Fatalistic, as in my response to your original post. Hope springs eternal, but I'm also thinking lately in terms of "pacing myself" and "lifetime parenting." If others are correct, and some maturity may not occur until the mid-20's, then how hard and long should I bang my head against things right now? (Is it similar to teaching a child to read when they are simply Not Ready?) I, too, have a lot of Bad Feelings about Joy's future. Perhaps my job for today is simply to project Confidence and Peace about my life . . . and hers? Okay, less head-banging, more (fun, prayer, coffee, silly movies, hugging the dog) around here. -- Rachel

Permalink 09/29/07 @ 18:24

Comment from: John [Member]

My 22 yo is FAS, and a lot of other things too. The problem with FAS is it seems to prevent learning correctly from consequeses, and imposes a super rigid decision making method.

My son is addicted to Crack, lives on the street, and has bee arrested a number of times, with periodic jail time. His take? Jail is OK, good meals and some neat people, being out is a lot harder. Yes he did absorb some of the consequense, he just got the message all screwed up. The therapist says he may be better at 40. John

Permalink 09/29/07 @ 19:19

Comment from: darci [Member]

We adopted twin boys at birth, boy of which have FAS (we didn't know it when we adopted them). Has anyone tried and had success with hyperbaric oxygen therapy? I've been reading a lot about it and I'm very curious. Any informatin would be helpful!

Permalink 11/20/07 @ 12:38

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