DEBUNKING THE ATTACHMENT MYTH
(According to Columnist John Rosemond)

Q: We recently adopted a 5-year-old girl from China who had spent
her
early childhood in an orphanage. Before bringing her home, we read
several books on adopting older children, including books on
attachment
disorders. Children after age 2 often have such disorders.

The authors recommended that parents not use "time-out" or
confinement
to the child's bedroom as forms of punishment. They say isolating
these
kids only confirms the feeling that they do not "belong" with their
adopted families in the first place. The attachment literature
recommended
additional chores or "time-ins," holding the child on your lap.

We quickly learned, however, that giving our daughter chores or
having
"time-ins" didn't work. She likes to do chores, and she is very
affectionate and likes being held. Consequently, we're at a loss as
to how to
punish her when she misbehaves. Out of desperation, I recently tried
confining her to her room, but she wailed so piteously I let her out.
What do you suggest?

A: For starters, I suggest you stop reading so much. As a
consequence
of your well-intentioned research, you're beginning to view your
daughter through the distorting lens of psychological theory, thus
losing the
ability to see her or her behavior clearly. As a further consequence,
your anxiety level is rising, and your ability to exercise effective
authority in your daughter's life is becoming paralyzed.

In my experienced estimation, most of the speculation that abounds
concerning so-called "attachment disorder" amounts to psychobabble.
The
diagnosis is not based on objective criteria; therefore, there is no
objective evidence that "attachment disorders" are prevalent among
late-adopted children. (A psychologist with whom I regularly consult
tells me
that in his estimate, the description of this child's behavior, as
provided by the mother, does not fit the diagnostic description in
the first
place.)

Will a child who has been in an orphanage for five years go through a
period of adjustment when she is adopted? Of course, and the
adjustment
is likely to involve problems of one sort or another, including
crying,
fears, attention-seeking behavior and other manifestations of general
insecurity. In your daughter's case, she's struggling with new
expectations, new social mores, new responsibilities and a new
language.

Is her misbehavior indicative of psychological issues? Not
necessarily,
but I can assure you that if you begin treating your daughter as if
she
is a fragile piece of bone china (no pun intended), she will
eventually
become "attached" to an image of herself that will cause her, and
you,
great problems.

Children are extremely flexible and adaptable. The research has
shown,
for example, that children who are deprived of adequate opportunities
to develop good language, motor and social skills during the first
three
years of life recover quite nicely if placed in good homes. The key
to
an adopted child's successful adjustment is the same as the key to
any
child's emotional health: parents whose authority is as constant, as
reliable, as their love.

As for your daughter's discipline, both time-out and confinement to
her
room for longer periods of time are perfectly appropriate
consequences.
There is no objective evidence that late-adopted children are harmed
by
either. The fact that your daughter "wailed piteously" when you sent
her to her room is no indication of harm. It is proof that she didn't
like it. Keep in mind, please, that children are not supposed to like
being punished.

You said you sent her to her room "out of desperation." In other
words,
you didn't send her to her room until you were at the end of your
rope.
You were probably angry, and your anger frightened her. That's why
she
wailed. Stop waiting until you are at the end of a frayed rope before
you lower the proverbial boom.

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