My oldest daughter has accused me of wanting others to think I am a martyr. According to her, I’m writing about the issues, we have dealt with over the years with our special needs children; so that others can read about it and think I am a really great parent. She vented at length about my writing, and then reminded me of all my faults.

First, I acknowledged her pain and her anger and gave her the right to own it. She has feelings and I have no right to deny her feelings. If I were to argue with her about her feelings, then I would risk alienating her from our family, something I have no intention of doing. She has matured greatly in the last four years and she and I have developed a very close bond of friendship.

One issue that upset her greatly was my surprise, at the time, of some of the behaviors she and her sister displayed. Her point, that I was a trained foster parent and therefore should have expected the behaviors, was valid. She has seen me breeze through similar behaviors in the past several years without blinking an eye.

However, she and her sister were only our third foster care placement, so we were totally unprepared. Not to mention, we had never parented daughters, we had never intended to foster teenagers, and we were sort of talked into it. We also thought they would be going home in a relatively short time, because their mother was in total compliance with the case plan. Our intent in being licensed, was to adopt a little girl and then stop fostering.

Another point of contention regarded expressions of love. I clearly remember struggling greatly with this issue for years after she and her sister moved in. About whether I should say, “I love you.” I guess at the time, I believed love was the “warm, gushy, emotional feeling” that pulls at your heartstrings, which come naturally when you hold a helpless baby in your arms or your lover.

Be honest, who in their right mind would have that type of love for a 13 and an eight year old child, whom you had never met and had just moved into your home? Especially while experiencing shock and surprise, on a weekly basis. I admit that I did not feel that type of love, and at the time, I felt like I would be lying if I were to say it. I knew that their birth family always hugged them and told them that they loved them, and I thought they would be going home soon.

However, I have come to accept more of a Biblical definition of love during the last 10 years. Love is an unconditional commitment to pursue another person’s best interest, and to make sure that all of that person’s needs are met. Did I have that kind of commitment? Yes, I did, I signed the order of adoption along with super dad to prove it. I could have told them that I loved them from day one and not been a liar, based on that definition. Therefore, I have changed my approach and express love much more freely and sooner than in the past, so I had to dispute that one.

Read more about foster care adoptions.
Read more on older child adoption
fifteen years old
Adopting Special Needs Children
Photo Credit