“Do you miss me, Mom?” LuLu’s repetitive (call it perseverations, tics or whatever) phrases and sayings are driving me crazy today. And this one is at the top of my list. She asks me this about 10-15 times a day. And, of course, it is utterly ironic that there’s no possible way for me to miss her, since she’s with me 24/7. My other favorite is the equally charming “I love you/I hate you.” She alternates these sayings all day long, sometimes in the same breath, and I truly believe that it has a direct relationship to how she’s feeling physically, but can’t find a way to express it.

I’ve tried to “understand” the reasons behind these sayings, and even though I can rationalize that they have something to do with her pain and discomfort or her fear of abandonment and want of acceptance, it doesn’t help me endure the situation. The sayings pop up at the most inappropriate time.

Those of us without disabilities like this have a sense of when it’s appropriate to jump into a conversation and when it’s not. LuLu does not. While some of it is attention-seeking interruption, her timing of asking questions or making comments is more than that. It is some attempt to communicate something beyond what she’s really saying or to control an impulse she can’t control. She has a strong, overwhelming urge to communicate, but isn’t really able to make sense much of the time.

So, we’ve tried any number of reactions and interventions from ignoring her to consequencing her, from counting the infractions to giving her nonsensical answers back. Nothing we do makes a bit of difference…she continues.

It’s highly frustrating as a parent to not be able to influence your child’s behavior no matter what you try. Yes, we’ve tried asking her what she’s really feeling and thinking, but she’s rarely able to articulate a cohesive thought. I’ve tried “guessing” what she’s thinking and providing high nurture and lots of attention, but it doesn’t seem to slow down the frequency of the behavior. So, we’ve come to believe that like everything else with LuLu, the random repetition of these phrases is a complex interplay between her developmental disabilities (like autism) and her Tourettes (because they do appear tic-like), along with whatever anxiety seems to be the trigger.

And while ignoring the phrases when they occur is my preferred method (which isn’t a bad approach if it is indeed tic-like), it’s hard out in public to ignore a child yelling “I love you Mom.” Or worse yet, once you respond positively to have her say “I hate you Mom.” I know store clerks talk about us on their lunch breaks!

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