There was a time, several years ago, when my home didn’t feel like a home. We had an older child living with us who had passive aggressive disorder. Several times a day, either we would find little surprises, or somebody would get hurt. Of course, each incident was an always an accident.

One of the younger children would accidentally have a finger shut in a kitchen drawer or a car door. One of the younger children would accidentally be stepped on or pushed over. Occasionally, a child might accidentally be locked in the chicken pen and have to climb over the fence.

The cars were accidentally scratched all the way down each side. Cupboard doors were accidentally broken off. Door knobs, light switches, shower curtains, you name it, all accidentally broken. Favorite toys, accidentally smashed, dirt bikes, knocked over, pets accidentally let out.

Yes, she had suffered abuse and neglect. She had been lied to. Her birthday and Christmas presents had disappeared before she was able to open them, returned to the store by her parents for drug money.

Therefore, I felt compelled to make sure that I followed through on anything I said we would do. That should always be our intent of course, but I thought I had to take it to a new level. If I said we would go out for ice cream, then it didn’t matter if the house flooded or the dog died, we were going out for ice cream.

That can put a lot of pressure on the relationship, because things do come up. However, she had serious trust issues and I was trying to alleviate her distrust and build a relationship with her.

She had been exposed to impurity and filth. Suddenly I had to be the picture of decorum and keep the house spotless with 10 people living in it. Honestly, I felt that it was no longer appropriate for me to walk through the house, unless I was fully dressed. Who doesn’t occasionally run through the house to the bathroom in their underwear?

No longer, was this the haven of serenity that it once had been. Home is supposed to be the place where you don’t have to be on your best behavior or look your best all the time. Ours was not, I was constantly on edge and never able to relax.

We were brand new foster parents then, after a few years, things did get a little better. Unfortunately, the passive aggressive behavior never did completely stop, but incidents no longer occurred daily.

Time Alone? – Living with FAS and ADHD
Adopting Special Needs Children
What is FAS or FAE
When an Adopted Older Child Leaves Home Angry

(C) Julia Fuller 2006