“So sad for you that you have to deal with it.” These are LuLu’s hateful words to me tonight as I’m trying to blog. We have had a rough day – the two of us alone in a huge, strange city and her melting down frequently. I have given her explicit instructions that she is to watch TV or a movie (of her choice) while I blog, and if she does then we will make a trip down the street for dessert.

Instead, what I’m getting is a mixture of threats, apologies, grunts, and hateful comments about how much “You deserve me!” (Good thing I grew up with strong nurturing and don't for one second believe I deserve the abuse she's heaping!)

On a good day, I can ignore most of these outbursts, but traveling with LuLu has put it in perspective that she does this toxic mixture daily, and frankly, I’ve had enough. And I see no easy way out.

My intention was to blog on one commenter’s on my post from yesterday about attachment being the key. She wrote:

But how can people learn that if they want easy solutions to difficult problems and to make children convenient instead of taking care of their needs?

I was going to echo my agreement and wax on about how so many of parents (me included until LuLu came along) try to do what was easiest for them…even when it may not have been what was best (or even good) for baby. With Kay I had enough awareness of infant needs to take three months of maternity leave and hire a live-in college student to be her nanny. But there was much I didn’t know about how crucial the nurturing was that she received. It was dumb luck on my part that I hired a phenomenal nanny who was exactly the loving and nurturing caregiver she needed. And as her father and I underwent a divorce right after her first birthday, it affected her negatively in ways I did not anticipate.

But instead of talking about all that, I’m angry. I’m angry that LuLu and I, as the mom who inherited her with all her early childhood damage, don’t get to have it “easy” or any “convenient solutions”. In fact, I don’t get any win-win choices at all. Here I sit with LuLu in Philly, with little I can do in the middle of her multiple rages today. I still don’t see them coming (no obvious external triggers), and no matter how I react to them, each one needs to run its course. So our entire day comes to a complete stop until she’s able to put it back on the track.

Now…an entire hour after her 3rd meltdown began, I’m able to finish this blog. I know that she “can’t” control the meltdown. And there are lots of potential triggers to heighten it all – the city noises, the lack of knowing EXACTLY what we’re doing and when, and the nothing being familiar. The meltdowns frequently occur on the street; yet, walking the streets and seeing everything is exactly what she wants to do.

LuLu has been “ripped off” by someone in her early childhood taking the easy way out or doing what was convenient for them.

Now I realize that the nannies in Chinese orphanages are notoriously short-handed and notoriously undertrained in child development. Propping bottles and little physical contact was the norm…whether it was convenience or necessity. I understand that working in an orphanage is no picnic, and is a job for which there is little reward. But, truth is, it was CONVENIENT for someone…even if that someone is the government that underfunds and understaffs the orphanages. Children of this world are so disposable, so devalued.

Neglect screws up lives! Children who are not loved, nurtured, protected and cherished as infants grow up “less than”. While some are functional enough to be virtually undetectable in most situations, they are still at risk to impact society negatively. While they all won’t become uncontrollable psychopaths, they will in many cases pass the legacy of neglect on to future generations, or lead lives of broken relationships and unfulfilled potentials.

How can we be so short-sighted to not recognize the immense cost of our society in the future by not nurturing the infants today? Why does this seem so obvious to me now; yet so many others fail to see it at all?

And…what do I do with all this anger???? Just like LuLu I want to hop up and down and scream “It Isn’t Fair!” Because it’s NOT!