Kelly posted on the Saint Syndrome recently. Don’t we all cringe at “You are such a saint” or any variation of that theme! I think I’ve heard them all. “She’s so lucky,” “You’re doing such a great thing,” even “I don’t know HOW you do it” bugs me. Because, let’s face it, what’s the alternative at this point – either to raise LuLu or to not raise her? What does not “doing it” look like?

The rest of the world doesn’t know how to respond to those of us parenting special kids, especially those of us parenting special ADOPTED kids. That makes us doubly odd. Not only do we have children like no others, but we obviously “chose” them. And to the public there isn’t a differentiation between those who agreed up front to adopt special needs children or those who were just “blessed” with the honor.

But heaven forbid we should voice any frustration with our situation. This brings about the polar opposite of responses like the one a commenter reported to yesterday’s blog:

"because I chose to be a special needs parent, so I knew perfectly well going into this that it would be a lifelong responsibility (of course, I have family members who think that means I should never express any frustration because I "asked for this"…

Pleez…do people know how stupid they sound when they say this stuff? I mean, how many of us would actually say to the parent of a biological child who was giving their parents a hard time “well, you asked for this when you gave birth?” Ok, admittedly, grandparents often chuckle when a grandchild drives their parents crazy with a behavior the parent did as a child (my mom refers to it as “payback”). But no one really believes that biological parents “ask for it” when they express frustration with a child. And I am ever-amused at the mundane things that parents of healthy kids complain about.

I think the responses from those outside of adoption and special needs parenting are really all the same, whether we’re viewed as saints or people who “asked for it” – the view that somehow those who decide to adopt are different…set apart…from the rest. And that if we struggle with our children whose surprised, because we are doing such a risky, unknown, (dare I say saintly) sort of thing.

The people who fascinate me are the ones I call the “excuse makers”. They look at our family, comment on our sainthood for adopting and persevering in such a situation and follow it up with “My spouse and I have considered adoption a special needs child. We think it’s such a wonderful thing to do. But we just don’t have the ____ to do it.” (insert “time”, “money”, or “guts” here).

How am I supposed to respond to that? I truly don’t know what to say. “Good for you for thinking about it?” “Well, you really wouldn’t want to radically change your life like we did.” or how about “No guts; no glory!” No, none of the responses that pop to mind seem appropriate to say when faced with an excuse maker.

I realize that these responses to the oddity of our lives are similar to all the stupid adoption questions adoptive parents get. You know, the “what happened to her real mom?” type questions.

Embedded in the question is a chance to teach the asker about adoption, I’m sure. It’s just that my sainthood (which I asked for, BTW) often leaves me too tired to figure out just what to say that will illuminate them. And besides, I have to keep my child from punching someone, cussing out someone, or otherwise destroying property…so… “I’ve got to go! Nice talking with you!”

What other bloggers have to say on sainthood:

Saints and the Rest of Us

Off the Pedestal

Comments: You're Such A Saint