One of the hardest part of the holidays, and visits with extended family or friends you see infrequently, is that you’re likely to be subjected to someone’s “expert” opinion about how you should raise your special child. These (always unsolicited) offers of advice are especially hard to handle when they are:

a. offered by a family member
b. offered with a tone of criticism…or sometimes directly as an attack of what you should or shouldn’t have done.
c. Offered by someone who is childless
d. Offered by someone whose children have no disabilities or special needs
e. Offered by someone who refuses to really listen to you

The unsolicited parenting advice offered by well-meaning family and friends who are self-proclaimed “experts” is probably the biggest obstacle faced by parents of special needs children when it comes to holiday gatherings.

I have to admit that we have an awesome extended family and friends, so the times I’ve had to endure unsolicited advice from an “expert” have been few. Perhaps it is because our issues with LuLu are so far outside the norm and it doesn’t take long for those who have even casual contact with us to realize it.

I also think that how you react to this advice has something to do with how often and insistent the expert will throw their “wisdom” your way. When I’m faced with this situation, I envision myself as a duck in the rain. (Yes, Julie has lost it a bit…think AFLAC). Water rolls right off a duck’s back, right? Let the comments roll right off of you! Unsolicited advice does not require a response. You didn’t ask for it; you don’t have to respond to it. Sometimes I say absolutely nothing. Sometimes I even tune out what the person is saying if I feel my emotions starting to rise. Regardless, I try to smile sweetly. I thank the person for their opinion (stressing the word OPINION) and say things like “you bring up some interesting points.”

Some people actually believe that you agree with them if you don’t argue, but frankly with all the conflict we’re faced with just parenting our child, I don’t need to argue or defend what we’re doing to anyone else. So, I just let it roll off.

People who truly care about you and are willing to listen will “get it” when you respond that way. I’ve had family, friends and even professionals who backtrack when I use this approach and admit that they were probably giving us unsolicited off-the-cuff advice on things we’d tried countless times before or on things they know nothing about. Again, I say little when they admit that…just a slight nod will confirm that they have assessed their own behavior correctly.

Very often those are the people who really can help you and turn into good support. After they realize that their advice wasn’t really hitting the mark, they are much more likely to be willing to listen and willing to help. I’ve had some very insightful input from family and friends who are willing to hear me out and can see things from a different perspective.

But, you know your family best, and know which ones are likely to jump you with unsolicited advice. And that is factor in deciding how and where you’ll spend your holidays. And because it’s Thanksgiving I can only offer this advice:

“Be a Duck and Don’t Let the Turkeys Get you Down!”



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