Special Needs Adoption, Adopting Special Needs - Funny, She Doesn’t Look Adopted

08/24/07

Funny, She Doesn’t Look Adopted

Posted by : Julie in Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog at 06:46 am , 478 words, 182 views
Categories: International

A commenter posted on my school blog from yesterday how different she and her Chinese daughter were treated at school than she and her Russian daughters had been. She hypothesized that it was because school personnel could “see” them as an adoptive family.

I agree. In some ways having LuLu look so much different than me has been a blessing in that it sends out an immediate visual signal that “something is different” about this family. I truly do believe that those who don’t know us are less likely to blame me, judge me, or criticize my parenting of LuLu when they see odd behaviors because it’s obvious that she’s adopted.

My commenter stated that she has more accessibility because people see her and think “there goes that adoptive mom.” I would wholeheartedly agree. People know me, or act as if they do, just about everywhere we go, all because we look different.

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I think this has saved my own hide more than once when LuLu has escalated in public and no one seems to call into question that I’m abusing her in anyway. Because they can see , and can make the uncomfortable (but somewhat true) assumption that her behaviors have more to do with her “differences” than they do with my parenting. Other parents report store clerks calling the police and policemen calling DFACS for less than we’ve been through.

But I also think not looking like your adopted child can cause the opposite reaction in public. Years ago we were at the zoo and I noticed a Caucasian man sitting on a bench with a small Asian girl. The girl started to escalate and get away from her Dad. When Dad tried, calmly, to rein her back in the girl started kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs “Get away fro me; you’re not my Dad!”

Immediately adults’ attentions were diverted. As I watched people circle around this man and child on the bench, I saw some of the people seeking out security and management to get them involved.

But I could tell by the distraught look on this man’s face that this child was truly his daughter . So I approached them. “Can I help you with anything?” I asked him.

He gave me back a weak, but grateful smile, “no I’m alright.”

I asked him if his wife was nearby and if I needed to get her. About that time, here came his wife, along with other family members.

I felt the on-lookers behind me relax without even turning to look at them. Then I shuddered to think about what could have happened to this man if people in the crowd truly believed that he was not the girl’s father and was trying to kidnap her.

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3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: nancyb [Member]

Julie,

The obvious adoptive status of me and my very dark skinned African-American son has helped me in countless difficult situations when he acted out in public. Sometimes I even feel guilty-- ALL parents of very difficult children deserve the same deference from others-- not just those of us who are obviously adoptive parents.

To add to the cute children's musings from your earlier post:

One day when dropping my son off at a new camp program, a light skinned, perhaps bi-racial, little boy about age 5 looked at my son intently, then looked at me, and then looked back at my son. He then annoucned loudly, "Boy! His daddy must be REALLY dark!"

Permalink 08/24/07 @ 08:07

Comment from: condo-mom [Member]

Julie --

I sometimes have a similar experience to the mom with the 2 Russian children. My husband and I are Asian (mostly Japanese) and our daughter is from China. So we are sometimes the "invisible" adoption family, which is usually fine. Plus of course, we look like most others where we live (Honolulu). I think friends at church or among homeschool connections often forget that Joy is adopted, again which is usually fine. However, occasionally there are moments when I feel like explaining things, and I admit those moments are usually when consequencing (again, and again ineffectively) for behaviors and choices (or perhaps non-choices?) that Joy makes.
The other times when I sorta wish we were a tad more visible are situations such as you mentioned at the zoo. I have started up conversations at airports and malls and at the Seattle Aquarium with more obvious families of adoption. They always look surprised and then often happy to share their experience. And sometimes they seem relieved that someone might understand the day they are having. Of course, I am especially careful now that Joy is older (13) -- I don't point at her and shout "She's adopted!" across the mall.
I know of 2 families where the parents are Asian and the daughters are blond -- one from Romania, another adopted locally here. Those friends stand out QUITE a bit. Well, I guess you'd develop a thick skin, which is probably a good thing for all of us, no matter our family combinations !!

Permalink 08/24/07 @ 12:08

Comment from: mariah [Member]

I have a funny story about this. When my DD was about two, my two older, biological children and I took her to the train station to pick up her Dad. DD is biracial, we are Caucasian. An African-American family near us started walking for the exit. A kindly gentleman touched my youngest on her shoulder and said, "There's your mommy and daddy" and pointed at the departing family. She turned and grabbed my leg and the gentleman gave me an "Oops, sorry" look. I always carried a studio photo of our whole family, just in case a situation like that ever came up again! And I gave her a wallet size one with all the pertinent family info on the back to carry, especially at amusement parks and the like. I wanted the police to know who they were looking for if she ever said she was lost!

Permalink 09/03/07 @ 14:39

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