Parents of special needs children are always swimming in uncharted waters. And when it comes to the topic of death and grief, we don’t get a pass on that either. I was reminded of just how “goofy” LuLu’s grief appears when another mother was describing her son’s reaction to a recent death in their lives. It seems that a teenager who participates in the same sporting league as her son (son is much younger) died recently.

Her son’s reaction to this news was all over the place emotionally. I can relate. The most frustrating (and appalling, if you’re not ready for it) reaction is that often times these kids react with an excitement that appears to be eagerness; an intense curiosity that not only seems morbid but sadistic. And what they say and do can be SO inappropriate.

Grief is a difficult thing for children and adults alike. But if you go searching for advice on how to handle your child’s reactions to death, the only information you find talks about helping “healthy” children grieve. There’s not a guide out there as to how to deal with children whose traumatic pasts or neurological issues impair their emotional processing.

So, many of our children do “weird” things. They want to “touch the body”, talk about death, ask very intrusive questions, display almost a gleeful excitement. It can be a very challenging situation for parents, especially as they may be dealing with their own grief, depending on who has died.

The mom relating the story of her son had decided that the son would not participate in any of the services for this teenager, because they didn’t know the young man or his family that well and because the son’s behaviors were so volatile.

But if the death is of someone close to you, like a family member, it may be inappropriate for the child (and whomever has to stay with the child) to skip services. It’s definitely a personal decision as to how much your child participates in the communal grieving events.

At our recent funeral for Super Dad’s father, we expected the whirling dervish of a child that LuLu was much of the time. We had back-up plans. We were ready to “cut and run” from just about any situation. What we weren’t ready for was when we actually saw grief in a “normal” way…when she actually cried and expressed her sadness for losing her grandpa. It seemed to come out of no where, reminding us that just because you have emotional impairments doesn’t mean you don’t have the emotions.

As I scoured the web to find advice (and came up empty-handed for the most part), I did find a guide entitled “Caring for Kids After Trauma, Disaster and Death”, a report put together by the New York City Child Study Center. Obviously in response to the September 11 tragedy, this guide covers a lot of material about how children react differently to disasters and trauma than adults. But it only has about ½ page of information on dealing with special needs children. And even though it talks in general terms about children with developmental disabilities having different abilities to process death and trauma, it gives little specifics on what to do about it or how to react. One thing it did say is that children with special needs take more time and nurturing to understand and process trauma.


Photo Credit