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Spending time with your grandkids can help build a relationship that
gives parents the confidence to leave a child who needs special
attention in your care. It can be hard to find spectrum-savvy baby
sitters, so perhaps you can enable stressed-out parents to go out
for some much-needed, worry-free recreation.
Sometimes, parents just need someone to listen. Lending your ear may
help them put things in perspective. If you have advice to offer
(you do, don’t you?), it’s more likely to be taken if you use the
recipe of ten parts listening to one part advice. Also, make sure
you’re suggesting. Be aware that it’s common for parents of kids on
the spectrum to be wary of unsolicited advice, particularly if
they’ve heard people routinely suggest therapies that don’t apply,
or make simplistic observations like, “He just needs more
discipline.” Even if you have good advice to give, you may have to
overcome “advice burnout.”
The best way to have your counsel taken is to really listen to the
parents, really do your research and, hopefully, spend enough time
with the child that you show his or her parents you really
understand the situation. Always focus on the benefits of what
you’re suggesting. If you still sense resistance, you might try
approaching the subject by asking questions. “I read about
treatment ‘XYZ’ where children responded well. Is that something
that you think might help Jimmy?”
I’ve seen some situations where one or both parents were in denial
about a child’s condition, and the grandparents diplomatically
encouraged the parents to have the child tested or to seek support.
This encouragement can be a tremendous benefit to the parents and
grandchild.
With some parents, however, it’s a challenge to help them see
through their denial. If you push too hard, you risk having them
throw up a wall that keeps you from helping your grandkids. Just
remember that sometimes parents are mourning the loss of the child
they expected your grandson or granddaughter to be. Again, patience
and a lot of listening is a good strategy to put you in a position
to influence the situation in a positive way.
I also know of situations where grandparents are actually raising
their grandkids. It’s a special kind of caring when “extended
family” becomes just “family” because that’s what children need.
Even though grandparents have the full range of strengths and flaws
that we all have, that special connection with grandkids often seems
to bring out the best in people. Ideally, grandparents have just
enough distance to see things realistically, are close enough to
really care, and have the experience to be effective.
But caring counts most. When I think of my own grandparents, I
realize that my best memories are not about the size of the crayon
box granddad bought me. They’re about special people caring a whole
lot about making my life colorful and fun. They made me look forward
to every minute I was with them.
What better gift could you give?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR — Dan Coulter is the writer/producer of numerous
videos on Asperger Syndrome and Autism, including: “ASPERGER
SYNDROME DAD — Becoming An Even Better Father To Your Child With
Asperger Syndrome.” You can find more articles on his website:
www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2006 Dan Coulter All Rights Reserved Used By Permission
