Should our children with special needs, especially those with traumatic pasts, be worried about what Santa might or might not be bringing??? I’m pondering this and once again realize that those of us parenting challenging children may be in a no-win situation.

Julia, writing over on the Adopting a Sibling blog and Nancy over on the RAD blog have both written about this issue, about whether tying our children’s behavior or their reciprocity to the gifts they receive should be done, or even works. In some households, gifts are not given to children who behave inappropriately in a very structured reward/consequences way. In others, gifts are given, but the amount and quality vary depending on the child’s behavior and/or their efforts to give gifts to others.

I think there can be multiple “right” answers on this one. However, I was reminded today, as I read a note from another mom of a traumatized child, how aware of where our children are emotionally we need to be to make this decision. She was relating the anxiety that her adopted daughter felt as the Breakfast With Santa event in their neighborhood approached. All week long the daughter’s behaviors escalated, and the astute mom watched for signs of why. She finally began to wonder if it didn’t have something to do with the event, so she asked the girl about it. Although her daughter is an older child who doesn’t even necessarily believe in Santa, the daughter was worried that there wouldn’t be a gift from Santa for her at the event and that the jolly ol’ elf just might announce to the world that she was a lump of coal candidate!

The mom recognized this emotion for what it was…shame! And the anxiety that was resulting from this was literally going to ruin the event, not only for the girl, but for the rest of the family as well. So the mom asked the girl if she believed that the man at this event was really Santa. The girl’s front part of her brain answered the question that Santa was not real, but that gifts came from mom and dad. The mom then assured her that this man indeed did not know if she’d been bad or good. This calmed the girl greatly.

There are lots of ways this scenario could go. But there’s something to be said for recognizing our children who are stuck in their own shame of their misdeeds (not that all of them are). But for those who are just sure that no matter what they do they will “mess up” and not be on Santa’s “good” list, withholding gifts might just backfire big time. At our house, gift-giving is relatively unconditional. LuLu doesn’t lose gifts for misbehavior (or we would literally never buy her anything). However, we don’t have the issue of lack of reciprocity, as LuLu (after a few years of intense coaching) now actually picks out gifts for the rest of the family. She’s sometimes prompted to make sure that she hasn’t forgotten anyone, but she doesn’t balk at the idea or refuse to participate. In fact, she’s actually making something special for each of her siblings (more on that later).

I’ll admit, though, that I don’t get the same joy shopping for LuLu as I do for the other children, most of the time. This is mainly because the gifts that we select for LuLu have to be ones that won’t matter to us if they are broken. And a lot depends on what she’s obsessed with at the moment. This year it’s lions and everything Lion King. And once you have the movies and a stuffed animal lion, it doesn’t leave much room for other “lion” gifts. (Although my sister’s family has sent her a Detroit Lions sweatshirt that I’m sure will be a huge hit!)

The bottom line is that we have to have all these options in our arsenal to survive parenting these children. We have to be able to distinguish between anxiety caused by shame and opposition and passive-aggressive behavior caused by true desire to push away all that a family stands for. That can be very difficult to distinguish. We have to figure out quickly whether consequencing a child by loss of gifts will change their behavior for the better, or make things worse. For many of us, no matter how much we’d love to be able to use “typical” consequences, they just are not effective. If it doesn’t work, there’s no reason to do the same thing over and over again.

Finally, I think the whole gift-giving situation has much to do with your family’s belief system about why the gifts are given. I understand having a very hard time both choosing gifts for a child and insisting that the rest of the family do the same, if the child could not either show reciprocity or gratefulness. Yet, many of our children aren’t able to show these behaviors for many, many years. But I also know that my own beliefs about Christmas is that we were all given the gift, regardless of how much reciprocity or gratefulness we show.

Some parents report that their children demand certain gifts and have overly high expectations, using the gift receiving as a power struggle. While I wouldn’t necessarily play this struggle by not giving the child a gift at all, I’d make sure that the gift was very suited to something the child needed, but didn’t necessarily want. Video games and electronics are not mandatory, but socks and underwear can definitely be gifts…so can gift certificates to go purchase something your child has broken this year, giving them yet another chance to practice reciprocity.

And yes, this whole gift-giving to our challenging children is a tough thing. That’s because gifts are given to those we’re in relationship with. And many of our children find it very hard to develop healthy family relationships. The byproduct of this is some very mixed and troubling feelings about the entire holiday for many of us parents.

Photo: Me and my new baby sister at the downtown department store, 1964.