I don’t know what about the parenting classes I blogged about earlier today sparked this thought process, but it’s time I talk about…gasp… Holding Therapy. (Strike the ominous musical chord.)

Holding a child with “attachment disturbances” is definitely “out of vogue” (that’s the PC way of saying that opponents think it is evil, abusive and only for those who are in the cult!) Yet…there are many parents of adopted children who have found the basics of holding therapy to be beneficial to their children. Here’s my personal experience even though “holding therapy” has not really been a part of our intervention repertoire with LuLu for years.

Back in the fall of 1999 LuLu had been home with us for a little over a year and she had gone from being a very quiet, disconnected toddler with delays (I now know she was pretty dissociated) to tantrumming frequently. I had signed on to a listserve where the parents were all talking about attachment disorder and such and many were practicing some type of holding interventions – either working with a therapist or some were just reading the Martha Welch book, Holding Time.

Now, I have to caveat this story to tell you that I truly believe that parents should NEVER impart on any type of therapeutic parenting without consulting with a therapist and working closely with them. BUT, at the time the ONLY therapist who reported to have experience with attachment for adoptees that I could find was a 3-hour drive away. So, I bought the book and read it. And thought…why not give it a try.

So one day when LuLu was starting to get agitated because I had told her no about something she wanted to get in to and just before she slipped into any type of self-hurting tantrum, I scooped her up into my arms and cradled her. She immediately escalated her tantrum into a full-blown rage. I was ready for that, having read “the book”, so I held on, cooing softly while trying to keep her from hurting herself or me. The rage intensified and I held on. It intensified and I held on longer. It continued to intensify and that scared me. So…I put her down. She immediately stopped raging and looked at me with a look I’ll never forget. Then she climbed back up into my lap and wrapped my arms around her and started raging again.

SHE NEEDED THIS! I learned a lot that day about the power of nurturing her through holding her. Since then I’ve read a lot about why this type of holding might help children with “attachment disturbances” and also why detractors find it controversial or even potentially dangerous. There are no double-blind scientific studies to “prove” it works. But that day, I saw the proof.

Like I said, holding has not been something we’ve done for several years now. She’s older…her attachment is more solid. But early last spring when LuLu’s anxiety was skyrocketing there was one evening she asked me if I would hold her. She was being mega-defiant and telling me to “shut up” and other nasty things. Then she said “would you snuggle me like you used to?” I picked her up in a nurturing hold and she immediately started fighting me. Of course at 10 she is much stronger than 3. Yet there was a quality about her struggling against me that was as if she realized she could overpower and injure me and she didn’t. She tantrummed for a couple of minutes (very short) and then relaxed and gazed into my eyes like she did when she was younger. This physical connection was especially calming for her and just what she needed then. Quite frankly it was what I needed too.

Who doesn’t need this type of holding/snuggling from time to time? Who hasn’t curled up with your spouse and literally cried on their shoulder? Or received a much needed hug from a friend? Or just held on to a grieving loved one? All that pain, loss, trauma, grief of our kids has to go somewhere…why not into the loving arms of their mom (or dad)?

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