I’ll admit that the art of flexibility was a hard one for me to learn as a young mother. I wanted perfect Martha Stewart holidays. But when I divorced and remarried, I threw that dream out the window. There is no way to have “perfect” holidays like you see in movies with all the comings and goings of extended blended family. I remember how painful the realization that our holidays were always going to be wrought with scheduling dilemmas was at the beginning...until I learned to let go and revise my own expectations of holidays.

When Kay was little, she’d alternate back and forth for her holidays, and so would my stepchildren. Just coordinating our schedules so all the children would be together was a major accomplishment - sometimes it was only for an hour or so and very often it was not on the actual calendar holiday itself. Then there were my sisters’ children – same situations of blended families. Pulling together an extended family event took all year to coordinate.

So, we changed our expectations.

Did you get that?

Along came LuLu, whose behaviors and reactions to the added stress and heightened anxiety of holidays brought further challenges. Traveling with her was hard, finding the appropriate gifts was puzzling. Then, not becoming distraught when she rejected or broke said gifts, became our new challenge. As did trying to explain her behaviors and our reactions to our extended family and friends, who struggled to understand why holidays celebrations just couldn’t be the same as before.

So, we changed our expectations…again.

Actually, if you can bring yourself to understanding of how important flexibility is in holiday planning, it frees you up to enjoy things more. You don’t have to keep doing the same thing year after year, inviting the same people, giving the same elaborate parties…if it’s wreaking havoc in your special family!

My advice is simple. Focus on what YOU really want out of the holidays. For those of you who are married – that’s a collective YOU as a couple. Talk directly about it. Don’t just assume that you’ll do the same thing you’ve always done – sending out the same holiday cards, going to the corporate Christmas party, inviting your great aunt for Thanksgiving dinner. If it isn’t working to give you what you really want out of the holidays – don’t do it.

Much of the stress we feel around the holidays comes about because of unmet expectations. We, the caregivers of the family, place some pretty unrealistic expectations on ourselves. Then we forget to really verbalize (or even think about) what our own expectations are – i.e. what would make us happy. So, when we fall short of what we think others expect AND we don’t get what we really wanted either, it results in one lousy holiday.

This advice may be counter-intuitive. After all, aren’t the holidays about family (even if they don’t understand, aren’t supportive, or expect us to do things that are nearly impossible with our children’s challenges)? Aren't the holidays about the kids (giving them everything they want, even if they’re going to reject it, break it, ignore it or sabotage all efforts)? NO…this is not what it's all about!

Part of my journey through flexibility has taught me that it is important to zero in on the true meaning of the holidays. For me the true meaning is a chance to relax and enjoy our lives (and be thankful for our blessings), enjoy our family, enjoy our friends. The spiritual and religious purposes of the holiday are highlighted when you focus on the true meaning. Anything that stresses me out must be omitted. And contingency plans for the challenges we might face from our special children need to be in place. We have to be flexible about how to not let the challenges ruin the holiday.

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