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Depression is a tricky thing. For some people, it can hit them all at once, like a paralyzing wave. But for most it just sneaks up on you. If you’re like me, you have lots of external reasons to be depressed – raising a challenging child, coming to terms with that child’s disabilities and what the future might hold, financial strain due to the need to quit my job to care for my child, the emotional and financial burden of a lawsuit with the school system…just to name a few.
So, I’ve got lots of reasons to be depressed. But my goofy thought patterns tell me that I can just will myself to be fine. “I’m coping,” I kept telling myself.
And I was coping…in a near survival mode…and a nearly numb emotional state. The one thing that was bugging me the most was my inability to concentrate or to multi-task and accomplish all the things I used to be able to accomplish in a day. It was as if I was going in slow motion. And the more I worried about this, the worse it got.
I refused to identify it as depression…because it didn’t look like depression to me. I wasn’t sad (I was angry, frustrated, overwhelmed). I didn’t cry much. I slept just fine (although at times wanted to sleep more than usual). I didn’t feel hopeless (the situations looked hopeless…and still do, but I didn’t feel like cashing anything in). But the one area where my depressed state has really shown is in how clean our house is not. (Ok, I’ve gained weight, too, but not that much.)
My house is a mess. Part of it is because we’re now here 24/7. LuLu’s been home with me since February 2006, being schooled here. Last year we made a makeshift classroom in my office, which looked like a huge warehouse of papers and books stacked everywhere, with only two holes where computer screens flickered, identifying those areas as desks. LuLu’s frustration rages add to the clutter, as things sometimes get thrown or destroyed.
And I’ve always been housecleaning avoidant. Super Dad will heartily attest to that. But, frankly, the depression had caused me not to see the mess, the dirt, the disorganization. Or if I did, it was so overwhelming, I had to retreat to another room until the feeling went away.
So when we arrived home from the ATN conference, having been gone for nearly two weeks, I could see, with fresh eyes, just how bad things were. The house, which I truly love, looked like an untended garden. And, to put the pressure on, we have houseguests coming on Monday.
I begrudgingly started to clean the house and have found that it is definitely lifting my spirits. Like that whole chicken/egg dichotomy, the cleaner the house gets, the better I feel, as if having a neat, organized house is somehow a cure for depression. And the more I realize how frozen I was.
I’m not saying that a dirty house is a sign of depression or that cleaning will cure you. Instead, the difference, I think, was a total change in venue. By being gone for 13 days, I could walk back into this place and see clearly what I was neglecting daily. Admittedly, I was incredibly busy with ATN conference planning and other projects. But I truly wasn’t seeing things clearly…both in terms of how I was coping and how my house was looking. I was frustrated that Super Dad was frustrated with the lack of housekeeping because I just couldn’t see it.
Depression is a tricky thing. For me, the two times in my life that I can say, in hindsight, I’ve been depressed have eventually resolved themselves without medication. But this time, I recognized enough to take vitamins and supplements to help. Just like many of the challenges our special kids face, depression is an odd mixture of problems with neurochemistry and psychology. I’m blessed to have a strong neurochemical system that tends to right itself if I can get to the point of some basic self-care…good nutrition, some exercise, and allowing time to pamper me a bit. But I can easily see, again in hindsight, how medication might have helped speed up that healing process for me.
And having a clean house helps me to have a clearer head, for sure.
How keeping a clean house helps with depression.
Housecleaning Routines – Keeping the Kids Busy blog
Some of my more obsessive friends swear by this housecleaning method: Flylady
Hang in there!!!
Get Super Dad to help you clean!!
I find that the state of my house is representative of the state of how I am feeling inside of myself. When I am really struggling emotionally, I cannot muster up the energy to clean house. (Like you, housekeeping is soooo not my thing.) Sometimes forcing myself to straighten up can help my mood. I definitely see a correlation.
I want a maid!! LOL
- Faith
I want a maid, too — but the next best thing is Super Dad…he is so much more a neatnic than I!!!!
Wow–I hadn’t made that correlation either, but it is clear to me now! My house has been degenerating for months and I feel major stress just thinking about it. When I add up what has been going on at work, w/ hubby, w/ daughter #1, and having a one year old–Yikes! Hopefully I can get myself moving w/out meds–I’ll have to see what supplements I can add while nursing… Thanks Julie for your insight–you are an awesome lady!
Oh how I wish I could have come to the conference to destress and meet all of the wonderful parents and make myself useful to ATN! I was so angry with my employer, I couldn’t see straight!
Julie, you and I lead parallel lives. I reached my breaking point about my house too. I cleaned my office today, and tomorrow I am tackling the basement. I want to put things in my still-empty curio cabinets and I am resentful of all the time I am spending on other things that prevent me from making my house my home. There is something about changing your venue and reorganizing your priorities that makes you feel more in charge of your life! You go girl!
And Trina, we did miss you.