Oh Julia, how many times we have had that same conversation. When it is given, it is unwanted. It's the rush of the "steal".

To further prove this point I have the list of behaviors from Sammy's school that have occurred in the 2 months he's been there. Stealing is a regular event, and stealing food is on the list.

It's so sad that these kids NEED to be in control so badly. I would have taken the candy bar out of her purse when she wasn't looking and stuck it in the bowl with the cinnamon rolls, or at my house, up in the cupboard where my dear son snoops around looking for ANYTHING he's not supposed to take without asking. Just to see what she'd say. Would she be upset that someone went into her things and moved them without permission? I really want our kids to FEEL what we feel and have some kind of understanding of what it does to us when they behave like this. Probably wouldn't do any good but it'd be nice if it were that simple.

Julia -- What happens if the next time she helps herself, you declare a CR Party and everyone in the house gets one, too? (Of course, you'll run out of CR's very quickly.) In fact, she could take the basket and offer them to her siblings herself. Or are we asking for a full-on raging meltdown in that case? -- Rachel

Julia,
I actually found this site because I was doin a search and accidentally found your previous blog about the original cinammon bun event... I read with anger how some posters attacked you for dealing with your daughters stealing... I wanted to post (and wasn't a member). I registered, and then went in search of the thread, only to find this more recent one.
The last post I read on the other thread mentioned to you Reactive Attachment Disorder. If you have not checked into this disorder, or into attachment problems and the book written by Nancy Thomas, I am here to recommend it to you again.
My step-daughter (whom I am preparing to now adopt) was neglected and abused prior to coming to our home. She had a lot of hidden issues which were uncovered through great therapy and a lot of hard work.
One of those BIG problems was stealing!! My daughter has attachment disorder.
I have some suggestions that may help you, but the first is to read that book! Even if your daughter doesn't have attachment disorder, she likely has some attachment issues that are leading her into this behavior, and some of the ideas in the book will help you --- it was written by a foster and adoptive Mom.

Ideas that worked for us
1 - We placed a basket for each child in the kitchen with their snacks (more than they really needed - healthy and unhealthy together a mix). We labeled each package with their initials (sharpie). My daughter was told she no longer had to ask for things in HER basket, but when they were gone - there were no more, hers were gone.

What this accomplished was that she had control over her own snacks - it lessened the feelings of the need to control.
It also made it harder to sneak... because her sibling knew if his was stolen and HE let her have it.....
They really only steal if they think they can get away with it...
2 - we got rid of as much snacks as we could for a while, limiting it (especially the less healthy ones). Less opportunity to steal.
3 - And, IF she did steal, she had to pay back restitution x 2. That means if she stole her brothers cinammon bun, she had to give him TWO.

God Bless!
Amy