In a society where over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, learning that marriages where one (or more) of the children has a special need have an even higher divorce rate is not big surprise. Yet, divorce can be even a bigger tragedy in a special needs family than in other families.

As a person who has been down that path, I can tell you that the only thing more stressful, more grief-ridden, more full of life-altering challenges than divorce is parenting a child with special needs. I can’t imagine doing both together! I divorced years ago, before I remarried and LuLu came on the scene. I can’t imagine how devastating for each member of our family divorce at this juncture.

So, ladies & gentlemen…it is imperative that one of the most important things you do for your family, your special needs children, your healthy children and yourselves is to “divorce-proof” your marriage.

1. Recognize Your Marriage is Under Additional Strain (aka Identify the Common Enemy). Let’s face it…the real enemy here is your child’s disorder(s). Dealing with all that being a special needs family brings adds mountains of stress to your marriage…financially, physically, emotionally. You didn’t sign up for all this challenge, even if you signed up for adopting a special needs child. You didn’t really understand just how big the price was on your marriage. By identifying the true “enemy” of your marital strife, you are able to see that you and your spouse can be on the same side against the common enemy.
2. Communicate Your Differences and Discuss Them. If you have a difference of opinion in how things need to be handled (and who doesn’t) this can become an incredible “sore spot” in the marriage. If one of you wants to pursue an expensive intervention or doesn’t want to pay for private school, but the other does, you have to work it out. You have to discuss and reach a compromise about what is best for the child, yourselves and the family.
3. Don’t Hide Behind Your Favorite Coping Mechanism. We all have them…our favorite way of shutting the world out. For some it can be work-mania (delving deeply into work, staying there late, ignoring the family). For others it can be obsessing on the child’s disorder (researching until all hours, never able to take a mental break from thinking about the child, losing all interest in everything else). Whatever it is, recognize your excesses for what they are…a coping mechanism that has become dysfunctional.
4. Develop Good Coping Mechanisms “Together”. Make a conscious effort to figure out what you can do together to relieve the stress. Take the time to purposely decide what you are going to do as a couple to ease the tension. For our marriage, humor is the key. This can mean staying up late to watch a favorite comedy movie, making a date to go to a comedy club, or just emailing each other cartoons during the day. Exercise, shared hobbies, or socializing with close friends…together…is a good way to reconnect and relieve the stress.
5. Tag Team Wrestling. One of the biggest survival tools of our marriage is our ability to “tag team” the care of our children, especially the one with special needs. Although one parent is generally the primary caregiver; it really does take two. That means that the primary caregiver has to be willing to “turn loose” of the caretaking reins to the other parent; and the other parent has to be willing to take them. Again…talking this through is extremely helpful. If you’re the primary caregiver, writing down medication dosages, diet/food instructions and other information that you just “know to do” can be very helpful to your spouse. If you’re the other parent, looking for signs of fatigue in your spouse and offering to take over, even if it’s just an hour or so while your spouse goes to the store, on a walk or to take a bath, is HUGE.
6. Enlist The Help of Others. Develop a network/community of supporters who are able to help care for your children or do things for your family. You have a special needs family…your child’s disorder impacts your family in ways that others cannot imagine. However, others close to you can help. Communicate what you need DIRECTLY…don’t be timid about asking for help. You need some time away together. Even if it’s only a few minutes or an hour…enlist a friend or family member to stay at your house as your child naps and the two of you steal away for that short break. Or friends can help in other ways too – they can pitch in to do the things you often put off because of your overwhelming lives. Shopping, home repair, getting the oil changed in your car. All these things can be monumental tasks to special needs families…but concrete ways your concerned family and friends can help you…LET THEM!

Divorce-proofing your marriage takes a conscious effort. For parents of special needs children it is especially challenging; and must be especially deliberate.

Marriage and Disabled Children


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