In my last blog, I talked about the various reactions our friends have when we start parenting our special needs children and how it can often result in the loss of a friendship. But does it always have to? Nope, not always…

Be straight-forward. Friends often say the wrong thing trying to help. “You’re worrying too much” may not be the indictment we think it was meant to be. Instead our friend (who may also be worried) is trying to ease our burden.

Be truthful. As hard as it is to say “it really bothers me that you compare me and my child to…” or “you just don’t understand and aren’t seeing what we see at home”, just saying these things opens up the dialog. If the friend gets upset at your honesty, then she’s not thinking as much about you and your needs as she should. Raising a special needs child is very difficult…being a friend to a parent of a special needs child may be difficult on occasion, but it is light-years easier!

Be proactive. Tell your friends what they can do to help. This is often a hard lesson, but an important one. They don’t know what to do, what to say, how to offer to help. So tell them. Tell them that taking your child for a bit of respite is something you need (or not). Tell them that cooking a meal for your family or stopping by to clean the house would be a real life-saver (if it would). Tell them you want to go to the movies or out shopping and spend absolutely NO time talking about your child’s issues. Or perhaps you want to go out and spend ALL the time talking about your child’s issues and just have them listen. Be specific. Good friends will welcome the opportunity to know exactly what you need.

Be prepared to leave old friends behind. Some friends, especially those without children or those to whom adoption seemed strange already, will have even a more difficult time remaining close to you as you parent your special needs adopted child. You will have lost the commonality of your friendship, as your life has just taken a drastic turn. Be ready to remove from your life any “friend” that is causing undue stress. If you’ve been truthful and proactive and the friend has not responded in a caring and helpful manner, then this person may not be a friend you need to spend time with. You have plenty of things to stress about…friends shouldn’t be one of them.

Be honest with yourself. Sometimes the “difference” that emerges between you and your old friends once you are parenting your special needs child is in how YOU feel about the relationship. Perhaps their children are totally healthy and you were expecting the same. And spending time with them is painful. Recognizing this and allowing yourself to work through that pain and grief is important. If that means taking a break from seeing this friend for a while, then do it. Again, being honest and straight-forward is always best.

Be on the lookout for new friends. Even if all your friends are super-supportive, it is still good to meet other parents of special needs children. Local support groups and online communities are both great places to get started. The Special Needs forumhere at Adoption.com is one such community. The listserves through the Attachment & Trauma Network are another.

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