Dr. Ross Greene’s approach to helping explosive, inflexible children is actually quite different than most behavioral approaches. Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) requires that you truly shift out of the mode of trying to “fix” the behavior through rewards and punishments.

The immediate goal of this approach is to lessen and shorten the “meltdowns” these inflexible children so often have. Anyone living with an explosive child knows how totally draining (and often debilitating) these meltdowns can be. The initial way to reduce the meltdowns is to reduce the demands placed on the child, to lessen his frustration and to tolerate some of the behaviors.

Dr. Greene calls this a “basket” approach and asks parents to sort types of behaviors and problems into three baskets:

Basket A is full of the behaviors that are so problematic that the must be off-limits and addressed every time they occur. These are the dangerous behaviors; the safety issues (like not wearing a seat belt, running out into the street, kicking the dog, etc.) In other words, these are the hills the parents must always be willing to die on; willing to endure the meltdowns.

Basket B is full of high priority behaviors, but not life and death issues. These are the issues that you are not willing to endure a meltdown over but are still the issues the child must learn appropriate behaviors for to be a functioning member of society. Things we would include in this basket at my house are teeth-brushing, cleaning up your own mess, talking to parents (and other adults) with respect, completing your assigned chores.

Basket C are the behaviors that are not worth battling over. I’ve heard these described as the things that go into or come out of the child. Battles over food and what clothing they are wearing are often so futile. In our case the battle over what she says is often futile as well, leaving me to get hit with lots of negative talk, cuss words and disrespectful language. Emotionally escalating the situation by responding that she is NOT going to talk to me like that never makes it any better. I can’t control what’s coming out of her mouth…and when she’s melting down, neither can she.

Dr. Greene focuses on the items placed in Basket B and advises that parents begin teaching the child compromise and negotiation skills over these items. The best example at our household is anytime we have to transition LuLu from an activity she likes and is absorbed in to something else. (Whether or not she wants to do the something else seems to have little bearing on how hard the transition will be. Remember she’s inflexible.) Let’s take the teeth-brushing as an example. LuLu doesn’t dislike brushing her teeth, she just doesn’t like to take the time out to do it. If I don’t remember to sequence teeth-brushing into her nightly routine until right before she’s falling into bed, I often get major resistance. So for us, the negotiation goes like this:

First off, I need to start early (like a hour before bedtime) outlining the steps of getting dessert, cleaning up dessert and/or whatever other mess you’ve made, getting pajamas on and brushing teeth. Then I have to monitor how much pushing of this I do. For example, if she’s engrossed in a TV show, I suggest she start this routine at commercials. If she is pushed to the brink of a meltdown over this routine, I have two choices. I can follow Dr. Greene’s advice (which would be to avoid the meltdown, walk away and try to negotiate again in a little while) or I could start pulling out the consequences as most other mental health professionals (and parents) would advise.

I admit that I pull out the consequences more often than not and a meltdown often ensues. But, looking at it from the perspective that her inflexible, explosive behaviors are a neurologically-based problem that needs to be “rewired” and that teaching her the art of compromise will help rewire this, we’ve lost the battle. So, other times I follow Dr. Greene’s advice and LuLu goes to bed without brushing her teeth or stays up past her bedtime with no consequence, or is allowed to finish a TV show late into the night. Does this make me a bad mom?

Not according to Dr. Greene, who focuses on decreasing the frequency with which the child loses control. The goal is to focus on teaching the child how to be more flexible. And as every parent of an explosive child knows, once you cross the threshold of their frustration, it is no longer a teachable moment. However, teaching them to negotiate and plan out their actions is teaching them coping skills and the ability to self-control. It is zeroing in on those executive functioning skills our children so desperately need.

A research study in which participants used Greene’s CPS approach was conducted in 2004 with 50 children diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Some parents were taught collaborative problems solving and others were taught a more traditional behavior management strategy developed by Dr. Russell Barkley. At the conclusion of the treatment period, both groups of parents reported significant declines in their chidlren’s behaviors. However, four months into the post-treatment period, the gains made by those using the traditional behavior modification were beginning to erode. Only 44% of those using traditional behavior modification were still reporting their child much improved; where 80% of those using CPS were. Further, the parents using CPS reported feeling less stress, that the children were more adaptable and that their hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were reduced.

So what do you think? Does parenting in this counter-intuitive, counter-cultural way really help our inflexible, explosive children? Or is it, as traditional approaches would lead us to believe, a cop-out and indulgent parenting?

Photo Credit