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By nature, I am a worrier. I do it all the time, even though most people who know me–even those who know me well–would never expect to hear such a declaration from my mouth. What do I worry about the most? In a nutshell? My kids. (But what mother doesn’t worry, right?) I sometimes get a little carried away in my worries, but for the most part, I do a reasonably fair job of balancing them with the rest of my life. Well, at least I think it’s reasonable, anyway. When we adopted Bella, we knew she was born with some special needs. Suffice to say, it’s a whole new level of worry for yours truly.
Don’t get me wrong. Not all worry is negative. In fact, I think that, in many ways, it’s not a bad thing to worry at least a little. But even prior to Bella’s addition to our family, I spent hours researching the best and worst case scenarios. Now? I still spend hours researching the same exact thing. The only difference is that now Bella is here, in front of me, in my arms, in my everyday life. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time placing hypothetical challenges before her; I’ve looked at every worst case scenario I can find to see what I could do proactively to help aid her in said situation. Is this stressful? Absolutely. Is it necessary? Not so much.
Where Bella falls on the SOD spectrum is largely unknown and will probably remain as such until the “big” developmental milestones come into play (or don’t). That doesn’t mean I can’t create a whole list of potential challenges she might face. In a way, I do see some positivity; I have a plan in place for pretty much everything of which I can currently pose as a situation she might encounter. But in another way, I’ve realized I need to take a step back and relax. I need to just soak her in and take each day and each challenge as it does (or doesn’t) arise. This has been a bit harder than it sounds, though.
I tend to have some very deep perfectionist tendencies. I want so desperately to do “right” by Bella–to make sure she has every possible opportunity, every potential support she might need. I want to be at the top of the game. I want to make sure that at the end of the day, I have exhausted all possibilities, no matter what she is facing. But as much as I love pre-planning, I don’t love the level of obsession it has brought to my life. I realized that I needed to take a step back, take a deep breath, and focus on today.
So here I am, working on relaxation. It’s going surprisingly well, at least for the most part. I’m finding myself journaling more of the day’s joys and accomplishments, rather than clunking away online late into the evening, preparing for things Bella might never face. It’s easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” and the pre-planning, but it’s even easier to realize that time moves quickly and it’s necessary to enjoy every second. It’s definitely much more pleasant to relish every moment, so I’m soaking it in. Worrying can wait for another day; it’s overrated anyway.
