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I have to admit that I really enjoy spending time with the birth families of my adoptive and foster children. The first reason, and probably the most important, is because it helps me to understand my child – also their child – better. I utilize the time together to ask valuable questions about medical history, about their personal milestones for maturing, about lifestyle, and about beliefs.
I don’t come at them with a list of questions, a pen and a clipboard, because that might be offensive. I do however, during the course of amiable conversation, periodically ask questions which I consider to be important. I then use the information gathered to determine whether services are needed for the child, what types of discipline might work best for the child, and to gain an understanding of what else the child might need to succeed.
An example, of the benefits we derived from open communication, comes from a story about our daughter, with pituitary dwarfism, whom we adopted 10 years ago when she was eight years old. We began to question whether she would go into spontaneous puberty when she was about 13 and showed none of the early signs. First, we asked one of her older sisters, whom we had also adopted, if she remembered how old she was. Then we asked her adult sister, her maternal aunt, and her grandmother. When they all answered between 11 and 12 years old, we realized that it was time to pursue further testing.
Another benefit of maintaining regular contact with the family is to avoid being blamed, by your children, for the loss of their birth families. By initiating the contact and visitation we are able to maintain some control of the amount and type of contact. It’s a great opportunity to take pictures to use in scrapbooking and also to share with the birth families. The photos also serve as a gentle reminder of visits, lest anyone forgets.
What types of activities do we like to do with our birth families? We have enjoyed afternoons of miniature golf and afternoons at the beach, Easter egg hunts, movies, eating at restaurants and horseback riding. We’ve given them schedules for the children’s soccer and hockey games as well as piano recitals, church plays, and award ceremonies. We’ve invited them to celebrate holidays and birthdays with our family. We once had a family accept our invitation to Thanksgiving and Christmas at grandma’s (Julia’s mother) house, so you won’t know until you ask.
Related blogs:
Life Books Scrapbooking
Read more about foster care adoptions.
Hoping to adopt?
(c) Julia Fuller 2006
