A world so lacking in integrity begs the question…where do children learn integrity? Well, the obvious answer is from their parents. And this can definitely be even more challenging for children coming from the backgrounds of abuse, trauma and neglect.

Integrity is deeply rooted in respect – of others and of ourselves. And in order to learn respect a child must have received respect. Therein lies the breakdown for our traumatized children. Their wounded souls have been deeply disrespected. Their trust has been broken. Restoring their self-image to one of self-respect is the only pathway to giving them the great gift of integrity.

For children with attachment disorder this is further complicated by a very intense inability to trust or even make steps toward trusting. This is exhibited in defiant, destructive and self-destructive behaviors, as well as very complex rejecting of any efforts at intimacy and close relationship. Yet, as parents it is our job to build this relationship and teach this trust. So we have to address their relationship impairments head-on.

The only true way to teach integrity to our kids is by example. The adage “actions speak louder than words,” is so very true. We have to constantly be aware that our children are watching us walk the walk; and waiting to see if we truly talk the talk.

I think of Cindy on the Older Child Adoption Blog when I think of walking the walk. Cindy has decided principles by which she lives her life, and she lives those out daily in front of her kids, regardless of their response. And over time her children respond.

So what are the components of teaching integrity by example?

1. be honest. At the core of teaching integrity and teaching trust is to always be honest. I think there is a time and place for not telling children certain pieces of information that they may not need to know or be ready to process yet. But if you are going to tell them something, it must be honest. Nothing wounds their fragile trust than to catch a parent in a lie…for many of our children this has already happened enough.
2. be consistent. This is what I admire about Cindy, and other super moms I know. They are able to consistently apply their principles and values to the situation and wait patiently for their children to catch on and live up to their expectations (or not).
3. be dependable. This trait goes hand in hand with honest. If you say you’re going to do something; do it. This includes consequencing. Children from a legacy of broken trusts are used to empty promises and threats. Make neither. Say what you’re going to do and do what you said.
4. be positive. Now there’s a hard one when living with little Miss Negative. But it is the most powerful. It is part of what I find most fascinating about parenting approaches such as Love & Logic or the techniques taught by Nancy Thomas. On paper these approaches can seem harsh…until a positive attitude is added. If you decide up front that you’re always going to approach your child with a loving demeanor and deflect all negativity (and this is NOT easy, by the way), then not only do you feel better, but the child starts to learn a positive attitude as well.
5. be respectful of others. Remember, you’re modeling respect. That means you need to respect your child while still giving him/her boundaries, structure, consistency and guidance. And exhibit respect for others in authority. As contentious as my battle with the school district has been, I still know it’s appropriate to back teachers up and give them their due respect. My kids are watching ME to see how I relate to the other adults in their world. This is especially true when I have a conflict with someone.

Here are a couple of websites that have specialized materials for teaching children values and principles like integrity.

Values Parenting
Integrity Matters