I know that when we’re living with an FAS or FAE child the good days are few and far between and we’re suppose to cherish them but not expect them, it’s just so hard. When my teenage daughter has her good days, she’s a joy to be with and such a help to me around the house. Then mentally I get caught up seeing her future as a normal woman. It’s what I would so desperately want for her, if only I could fix her.

Logically I know that it is completely unreasonable and way out of her ability level. By expecting her to achieve it I’m setting myself up for disappointment. Because she will fail, at this point I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to live independently and I’m setting her up for guilt, sadness and low self-esteem because she can’t seem to please me.

This then, in turn, causes me to feel guilty for expecting her to aspire to excellence. Then I need to remind myself that I am not the cause of her disability, just the one chosen to raise her best that I can to be the best she can.

It’s been a difficult week for her and me. I checked her school work on Friday only to find that she hadn’t done any math since Tuesday and she hadn’t done any grammar since Wednesday. When I asked her why she hadn’t done it she gave me the usual answer, “I guess I forgot.”

She’s also supposed to take her spelling test before 3pm, however if she takes it before 11am and gets an “A” she can choose whatever she wants for bedtime treat. I reminded her at 2pm that it was Friday and she needed to take her spelling test; at 4pm I insisted that she take her spelling test and told her she would go without bedtime treat that evening.

By giving her set times when she needs to complete certain task I’m hoping to teach her to keep track of time and days of the week. At some point if she masters this she might be able to hold a job and get to work when she is scheduled to be there; a step towards independence.

Her other assigned times are to get her lunch sometime between 11am and 1pm and then to begin her job, which is vacuuming the main floor at 1pm every weekday. Some days she is able to achieve these goals and some days she isn’t. Which brings me to the question; am I setting goals for her that are outside of her ability level and setting her up for failure? If so, then I am causing her to fail, loose self-esteem, and upset me.

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