I Hated the Autism So Much

A sad story out of Illinois last week as the mother of a 3-year-old with autism who killed the child in May 2006 testified on her confession. The story is a tragic one – horrendous to many readers. But I suspect that many parents of children with challenging special needs, such as autism, have a tinge of understanding for where the mother was coming from.

This mother suffocated her daughter with a plastic bag. It is the ultimate of horrific acts. Yet, she then attempted to kill herself as well, and was hospitalized. Her sanity, both now and at the time of the murder, is a subject for strong debate by all the attorneys.

Yet, what haunts me most is this quote from the mother:

“I loved Katie very much, but I hated the autism so, so much,” McCarron said. “I hated what it was doing to her. … I just wanted autism out of my life.”

The article also mentions that the mother felt like a “failure” because of the child’s autism and even like she had caused it by allowing her daughter to be vaccinated.

I guess the reason that all this haunts me so much is that I often find myself just wanting LuLu’s problems out of our lives, too. Granted I’ve never thought about killing her, and any guilt for “causing” any of her problems is quickly dismissed on my part. But we did double vaccinate her (giving her vaccinations again when she arrived here, since the bloodwork indicated she had no immunity). So, if vaccines play a major role in all of her developmental problems, then, yes, we added to the problem. And, yes, it has passed through my mind that we’ve done (or are doing) things to “make it worse”. It’s hard not to ruminate on how you could have done things differently.

I can also relate to the “no way out” thinking that this mother had obviously slipped into. She saw no solution, no opportunities, no way that her life or that of her daughter’s could ever be successful. She was hopeless. It’s hard not to be hopeless when faced with autism or other neurological impairments.

I wish someone could have gotten to this mom in time, to offer support, to assist with the caretaking, to just be there to listen. I have no idea if anyone attempted to help or what the situation leading up to this tragedy was. But, I suspect there was more that “somebody” could have done. (And I suspect there are any number of people second-guessing themselves in this situation.)

The point is not to lay blame, but to learn from these tragedies. Parenting children with special needs is nearly impossible work. It takes more than just the parents flying solo. It takes the parents asking for, and receiving, help. But sometimes, if the situation is overwhelming enough, the parents don’t know what to ask for or who to ask. And, sadly, there are not that many people out there lined up to help.

So, I’ll say it to parents once again…find respite, find counseling, find a support group. If you’re parenting a child with attachment or trauma issues, don’t hesitate to contact Attachment & Trauma Network (www.radzebra.org) for support.

And if you know parents who are struggling with parenting challenging children, find a way to help. Be specific in asking how you can help. Offer to help more than once. Offer to help find them help.

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