This is a recurring theme. More than anything in the world, LuLu wants to be "in charge".

Sadly, she can barely be in charge of herself on most days -- not able to self-regulate, self-calm, self-advocate through the day. But if she had her way,she would be president of the world.

I take it as a sign of improvement that she's able to verbally explain her great desire to be in charge, rather than just to rail against authority, as she used to do. It is still mind-boggling though, that she seems to lack the insight of just what it means to be "in charge".

The conversation today started all about spanking kids. I'm not sure why she brought the topic up, as we can count on one hand the times this child has been spanked (and we probably wouldn't even get to the third finger in the count). But she asked me if my mom every spanked me. How many times. What for. And if my mom ever didn't give me something I really wanted.

I steered the conversation to how my parents didn't buy us toys or other desired items at the store, but instead insisted we make a list for our birthday or Christmas. I also emphasized that if we misbehaved during a trip in public, we were in BIG trouble. She asked me what "big trouble" looked like?

I chuckled to myself, as it seems difficult to explain to her the painful guilt and sadness I used to feel at disobeying my mom. It was deterrent enough to keep me from even thinking about such an act. Yet, here is my daughter, with all these impairments, who regularly pushes the defiance button, sometimes escalating to destruction or self-injury.

I reminded myself that it is HUGE that she's talking about such things without becoming escalated.

The conversation migrated to talk of wanting to be the parent, so she would be "in charge", but not wanting to spank her children, because she didn't want them to have the anger she has. At this point, she felt the need to crawl into my lap and feel the safety, and we talked, once again, about where that anger comes from...from being hurt so long ago...

And that's the crux of the matter, isn't it? Hurt by adults so long ago and not wanting anyone to be in charge of her. How hard it is to trust others, submit to others, obey others, for fear of getting hurt. Yet, how ill-equipped her disabilities leave her to be "in charge" of even her own daily care.

She was quick to point out that she's handled the responsibility of gerbils quite well (even though Mom usually cleans the cage!). Well, it's a step in the right direction.