Super Dad’s niece came to visit us last night with her dear hubby and two precious little girls. This morning she rose early and took a run while I shuttled Kay off to high school. Then we had a moment of time to chat and catch up on each others’ lives.

I asked her if she was still working (she has a master’s in social work), and she said she had quit her job when her husband got transferred this summer and plans to remain at home in the near future. “Even though I miss the income”, she explained, “I don’t miss the job itself.”

To work or not to work when you’re parenting is truly an individual decision, with so many variables. It is sad how it can quickly escalate to be the career mommies vs. the SAHMs. But for some of us, it’s just down-right internally divisive. Which side of the argument I fall on depends on how you ask the question.

If you ask me “Do you think it’s best to have one parent stay home with your adopted child?” My answer would be a resounding YES! I think it’s best, for the child, for one parent to stay home with ANY child, at ALL ages. And a child in need of intense bonding and attachment parenting needs to be with his/her primary caregiver for a long period of time…regardless if his age. Some parents think staying home when they are very young is the best time, to promote bonding and help to shape who they are. I’m a firm believer in that theory.

But I also see the importance of staying home when the child is older, say middle school and high school. There are so many problems a child can encounter at those ages, as he seeks independence. Having a parent there when the child leaves for and returns from school is crucial in providing that supervision and elusive interaction with independence-seeking teens.

However, if you ask me “Do you enjoy staying at home with your children?”, the answer is much less clear. I enjoy the benefits I see for them; but I truly miss working. BL (before LuLu), I was nearly obsessively fulfilled through my work. I had no intention of being a SAHM from the get-go. When Kay was younger I didn’t stay home. ( I did take an extended maternity leave). I hired a live-in nanny, college student to travel with me and Kay on my job. She is still an extended part of our family and lives today (now married with her own family).

Having a child with special needs complicates this internal divisiveness even further. I see the benefits LuLu gets and frankly can’t figure out how I used to be able to pull off working full-time. Truth is I couldn’t…which is why I stopped in 1999 and started a consulting business. Like Faith said in her blog today, trying to work from home (although for a couple years it was very financially successful) was exhausting. It was like trying to do two (or more) full-time jobs simultaneously.

So, now I’m trying to do what Faith recommends, and do whatever brings me peace. Reality is that I’ve had little choice in my SAHM status (or my homeschool mom status). And I do see the significant value to my children, and take pleasure in knowing them so much better than I might if I weren’t around all the time.

But last week I received two job offers. The first was a permanent part-time position (with benefits) working with former co-workers at a new company. It appealed to that corporate person in me who I long thought was gone. Of course it was impossible to consider such a position given my current life…and I quickly told them so. But it sounded like fun – and the money would have been nice too. The second was a short-term project. The kind of thing I used to just take on without much thought. But even that level of “working” doesn’t mesh with parenting a child with special needs. The irony is that working either one of these jobs would be so much less work than I go through every day!

So, I guess, in my conflicted state, what brings me peace is knowing that I was respected enough by colleagues to be offered these jobs, but that I’m sure enough in what I’m doing with my family to know where I’m needed.

My recent musings on this topic:

Why Parenting a Special Kid is a Full Time Job

Staying at Home to Attach – A Touchy Subject

What other bloggers think:

Adopting, Working or Staying Home, Still Feeling Guilty

TV Parents may be Haunting

The Price of Motherhood

Moms: To Work or Not to Work