Part 1

Change occurs when one of three things happen:
1. You hurt enough you have to.
2. You learn enough you want to.
3. You receive enough you’re able to.

Learn Enough
That’s where the learning comes in. Somehow, someway traumatized children have to “learn” that it is safe to trust again, to try again. They have to be shown that relationships are so important, so valuable, so desired that they want them enough to risk.

Nancy Thomas, an awesome parenting trainer, uses an analogy to describe wounded children with attachment impairments. She describes the child as being outside near the woods and the new (adoptive/foster) family (mom) being inside a nice warm cabin. In between the two is a large pond. It’s winter and the pond is completely frozen and the mom knows that it is completely safe to cross the frozen pond and come into the warm cabin. She coaxes the child to cross the pond. But the last time the child tried to cross a pond to another mom he fell through the ice into the cold water and nearly drown. So his fear is enormous. The mom knows the child will freeze to death if he stays outside near the woods (and will likely be devoured by wolves too.) But no matter how far out onto that frozen pond the mom goes, the child has to decide to meet her somewhere. The mom can’t drag the child back across the pond. The child has to take a step toward the safety. So the mom’s job is to keep coaxing, consistently showing the child safety, trustworthness, stability. Until that child has…

Received Enough
This is where it gets tricky for us as parents. We are left with the responsibility to try to figure out what our children need to receive, or where they are in the change process. Are they hurting enough (often we’re hurting a great deal, but is the pain of staying where they are bigger than the pain of working for change)? Have they learned enough? Do they understand what they must do to change and the desirable outcome on the other side of that frozen lake? And last, do they have enough to be able to do it?

This brings up the question of “won’t” vs. “can’t”. This is where we are with LuLu now. Her attachment disordered self needed to change and she was hurting. Years and years of coaxing her across the ice has finally helped her step out onto that pond. “I want to stop doing these things, Mom,” is a frequent comment. Yet she can’t…or she won’t.

Today I realized that she may not, as of yet, “received” enough. Enough maturity, enough self-control, enough strength, enough trust in herself. Or even enough nutrients, medications and supplements to produce needed biochemical changes. Or enough therapies to address her processing deficits, sensory impairment and other disabilities that make it difficult for her to change.

But I do believe change for her will occur when all three are aligned and she has to change, wants to change and is able to change.

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