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There are few things more nerve-wracking than going to your child’s IEP meeting. I’ve even talked with parents who are special education teachers and they, too, express anxiety at the thought of attending their own child’s IEP meeting. They feel intimidated, overwhelmed, nervous and emotional…and they already know the procedures!
Why is this? Mostly because as parents we understand the gravity of the outcome of the meeting. We understand that much is at stake…the appropriate education of our child. And even if you’re not in a situation that is adversarial or problematic, you can likely sense that the school system seems to hold a lot of the power in this meeting. I heard one advocate explain it this way. “The school system, especially individual teachers, take a short-term approach. They are only responsible for the child for one year. Parents come into the meeting with the long-term responsibility. They realize that each step in the process has to be leading to the ultimate goal. They, and their child, are the people who will be living with the consequences of the quality of education this child receives.”
No wonder we’re nervous. Then, couple that with what we don’t know about the process! In this blog months ago, I found a study that said 63% of parents of special education students didn’t understand the process. We must learn how special education is supposed to work! We must advocate!
But, you know, it’s intimidating and really messes with your beliefs about school. I believed, like so many parents do, that the school was very concerned about giving my child the best education and the best services possible. Even in my current cynical state, I still believe there are teachers in the systems who want this for their students. BUT, the system itself often does not. Folks, special education is big business. Money, and the school system’s ability to save it, acquire it from the state or federal funds and spend it on what they want, that is often the motivation. To believe differently is to naively misunderstand the situation. Sorry if I sound like one of those rabid advocates…but after you get burned a few times, you learn the rules of the game.
I digress…the intent of this blog was to tell you what to do about these meeting jitters. First, knowledge is power! Know the process, know the regulations, know who is going to be at the meeting, know what topics are going to be discussed. And know what your goals are for the meeting. Write down what you want to accomplish, what goals you want in the IEP, what concerns and questions you have. And voice them.
During my day-long special education training a couple of weeks ago, the speakers spent time teaching us assertive communication skills. They explained that being too aggressive or too passive puts you in a losing position when it comes to the IEP meeting. Getting emotional, while nearly impossible not to do, puts you in a weaker position. School personnel expect you to get emotional. Staying calm and focused on what you want to accomplished is your goal. Being prepared is the key. Participate in the meeting. Use a conversational tone. Ask questions.
In fact, asking questions may be one of your best tools. If you’re prepared and know what you want to accomplish, you can often do this effectively by asking polite but direct questions of members of the IEP team. Here’s an example: Let’s say the classroom teacher has reported problems in math either through notes home or in person. But for whatever reason this information isn’t coming through clearly in the meeting. Ask about it. “Ms. Teacher, it was my understanding from the two times we spoke about Timmy’s math scores that you were concerned about his inability to learn his multiplication tables. Don’t you see this as a problem?” If the teacher agrees and recalls your earlier conversations, great! If not, follow up with a question like, “I’m confused. If he’s not having trouble in this area of math, then what did it mean when you expressed concern to me earlier?” If the answers lead you to believe that the school doesn’t have data on your child’s math performance, then ask for testing…ask for them to acquire data to help determine if this is a problem.
The main thing is to focus on getting the information out…ask clear direct questions, without allowing yourself to become aggressive in tone or body language…even if others on the IEP team start to get emotional (which, believe it or not, often happens), work hard to keep it calm, stick to the matters at hand, ask for facts, data, specific examples.
Need more ideas on coping with the IEP Meeting Jitters? Check out Be Proactive: Take the Fear Out of IEP Meetings.
