Special Needs Adoption, Adopting Special Needs - Is It Me?

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Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog

02/21/07

Is It Me? – Hope Springs Eternal

Posted by : Julie in Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog at 06:47 am , 324 words, 126 views
Categories: Attachment

Part 1
Part 2

Just when I think I’m done with a topic, it keeps hitting me in the face. Two post-script thoughts:

1. Hope Springs Eternal. I’m continually amazed at how long some parents I know are willing to hang in there, waiting for even the smallest sign of a relationship building with their child. Or, even after they’ve vented about giving up and protecting their own heart, all it takes is for the child to make the smallest effort…and the parent is right there, willing to try again. Today there was an email from a dad whose estranged adult daughter with attachment disorder was trying to reconnect. It was poignant reading as this father processed whether he would be able to reach out again to a daughter who had rejected him over and over for years. Of course, his conclusion was that he would indeed reach out, would continue to hope, and his desire for a relationship was so palatable. While for so many of us our expectations of our children may need to lowered/adjusted; our hope for a relationship is not easily extinguished.

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2. Faith. I’ve often wondered how parents of challenging children survive the experience without some kind of faith-based beliefs. In my case, my faith feeds that overwhelming need in (what I define as) my soul for a connectedness, that need for an intimate relationship with my own primary caregiver. I know that my God is teaching me a great deal about relationships through parenting my daughter, and a great deal about relying on Him, trusting Him. The story of the Prodigal Son takes on significant meaning to those parenting children with attachment disorder.

That’s all on the “Is it Me” topic for now. So much of therapeutic parenting is truly about us…we do so much growing, so much struggling, so much painful self-reflection. It is truly a crucible experience like no other.

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Comment from: parentoftwo [Member]

Wow, this one really hit me. Four years to the day of finalizing our adoption of two siblings, the older daughter (now 18) moved out of the house to her own apt. in town. She could not wait until she graduated in two weeks. She wanted her freedom! She at least finished her final exams on the day she moved out.

She has lied and manipulated us for 4.5 years, usually in area dealing with boys. Apparently, her last charade was even too much for her to bear...so once confronted, she climbed out the window (now three weeks ago), called some boy, finally came home, then left again with a friend at 11 (with our permission), stayed gone two nights (we knew where she was). This "double-life" she was leading included pressuring a boy from our church to marry her when she turned 18, meeting him places even on the very short leash we provided, and inviting boys (different ones) over to the home of friends of ours while the parents were gone to dinner.

When she finally came back from staying away two nights, she was NOT remorseful or repentant...only angry that, as a result of her actions, she would be on "lockdown" until she graduated. And that thought, my friends, was too much to bear for her.

Therefore, we made it simple, get a job and move out.So, she's been out for three days and the fog around here has lifted.

After seeing her today on mother's day, I realize that my expectations of a relationship with her are well beyond her capabililties at this point in her development. She does not understand that lying erodes relationships and trust. So, as I sat next to her today at Mother's Day Brunch, I just created happy small talk...I was really the only one talking b/c the younger daughter is too angry to even speak and Dad is simply retreating. This seems to work for her...no expectations, no accountabililty, no problem.

She's always said that if we just changed the rules, everything would be just hunky dorey around here with her and she would never be in trouble.

Well, the rules are changed now, she's on her own, on her own dime at that.

Yes, indeed, we expect depth in our relationships--I wonder if she'll ever be able to reciprocate?

Permalink 05/13/07 @ 21:12