I’m always humbled when Nancy thinks I’ve written something “fabulous”, (as she posted in a recent blog) especially when I’m pretty convinced that it’s mediocre at best. I’m not sure this article I’ve written for ADN’s newsletter is that great, but the topic is definitely worthy of discussion. The topic of how much we are responsible for, contribute to, or cause our children’s ability or inability to attach is a hot one for parents whose children have Attachment Disorder. We’ll see how the article is received by the membership of ADN in our upcoming newsletter. I still think there’s so much more that can be said on this topic.

In fact, Attachment Disorder itself is such a hot, controversial topic that everyone (a-parents, therapists, adoption professionals, the world at large) tries to backpedal from it. We call it things like attachment “issues” or “delays” and have this murky definition rooted in a belief that unless the kid is killing baby rabbits or starting fires in their bedroom, it can’t be even close to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

Truth is that all adopted and foster children are at risk. Those who were placed at birth or had excellent care prior to placement have a lessened risk. But breaks from your primary caregiver, no matter how few or how early, heighten the risk. And other factors, like unmitigated pain from unidentified or untreated illnesses, can heighten the risk as well.

The interesting thing about Attachment Disorder that separates it from other disorders is that it is relationship-based. Relationships are a two-way street, and because of that it can be darn near impossible to separate the parent’s actions and reactions from the child’s actions and reactions. This leads to a scenario where we humans are looking for someone to blame. We look at this relationship “dance” that’s not going well between this adopted child and adoptive parent and we think…whose fault is it?

Regardless of what our knowledge and logic tell us about Attachment Disorder and attachment “issues”, our fault-finding almost always boils down to – it’s either the parent’s fault or the child’s fault. Truth is that it’s neither. Instead it’s an insidious disorder…a real, neurologically-based, trauma-caused disorder that can be vastly improved (in many cases you might say “healed”) by some very difficult, very intense therapeutic work.

But therein lies the rub (as Shakespeare would say). The “work” to heal this huge attachment wound, this disorder, has to be done within the context of a relationship. Which means that both the child and the new primary caregiver have to do the “work”. Both have to choose it, to be willing to go through the fire, if you will. And that’s where things get dicey. So much can fall apart.

Continued...

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