First off, the parent has to recognize that the disorder is there to begin with. This is part of the conversation that Nancy and I were having about “going deep” with relationships. Some children with attachment “issues” (I personally think it could be classified as a disorder, but many folks get all jumpy about labeling kids), are neurologically healthy enough in other ways that the ONLY sign of problems is within that primary caregiver/child relationship. The outside world sees a sweet, well-adjusted child. Some adoptive parents expect no more than that, perhaps because they have no other parenting experience to compare or because their background in relationships also has some levels of disconnect. Or perhaps the adoptive parent, so worried about admitting that anything about adoption could make their family “different” from other families, ignores any signals of attachment “issues” until such time that they become overwhelmingly obvious.

Nancy and I have a unique perspective that isn’t shared by the majority of adoptive parents in that we have biological children who were in our family prior to adopting any children. We also come from families of very close-knit, healthy relationships. And we have strong marriages. I’m not sure how much of that is true for the adoptive parent population in general. But from that frame of reference, we know both what healthy relationships look like, and about the value and joy derived from them. Those relationships have set the standard for what we want to have with ALL of our children.

So Nancy and I discussed this concept of “going deep” and of real relationships vs. superficial ones. We both wondered if our desire and experience of having deep familial relationships put more expectations on our attachment-disordered children than other parents might, if their relationship expectations were less. Nancy pondered in her post:

So, how does that particular dynamic play out as we parent? Are we expected to derive satisfaction from a relationship that by its very nature is not something we desire? How much change are we expected to make to motivate and/or heal a child who would rather do anything but “go deep”?

I think Nancy would agree with me that neither of us is willing to settle for a parent-child relationship that is more like that of taking a boarder into our home. We want an intimate relationship. And because we’ve experienced this with the other children in our family, it is hard to give up that desire of relationship. Nancy’s question in her blog is born of years or trying everything to get some of her children to “go deep”. But, because relationships are two-way streets, the child has to meet us halfway. And if they can’t or won’t (and that’s a hard distinction to make) then a superficial relationship is all that we will have.

So, at least for myself, I still haven’t answered the question “Is it Me?” I know I have not caused my daughter’s attachment problems and that I have worked very hard to build our relationship. I also know that my own therapeutic efforts are the major catalyst for healing a child with Attachment Disorder. But I also know my expectations for that relationship are very high. I think that it is a very human response to lower those expectations over time, especially if you’ve been struggling for months or years to attach to a child who isn’t meeting you along that two-way street. It’s a protective move, as your heart and soul are on the line when you continue to reach out, again and again, and are rejected. There’s no other relationship that we’d put forth the same amount of effort. (Although I suspect that some children of very dysfunctional parents…alcoholics come to mind…do much of the same kinds of reaching out.) I wouldn’t put that much effort into my marriage…if Super Dad rejected me time and time again, pulled away, refused to trust me, did hurtful things that looked so intentional. No marriage could survive that.

So how can we parents keep trying again and again?

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