I’m a Mary Chapin Carpenter fan. She has a song entitled Passionate Kisses and the lyrics include:

Is it too much to ask
I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back
Food to fill me up
And warm clothes and all that stuff
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have all of this, and…

These words always remind me of Chinese adoptees. When I hear them I picture what LuLu’s orphanage looked like, with rows and rows of blue metal beds lined end to end. Each with a piece of plywood covered with a receiving blanket and two babies in it. I think of the huge bags of rice and powdered formula and the bottles with the nipples cut open so the babies could guzzle the watered-down formula (and not get the necessary sucking exercise for appropriate language development or the amount of calories needed to sustain a healthy weight).

Is It Too Much to Ask? Shouldn’t She have This?

Is it too much to ask that once an international orphan who has been sleeping on plywood in a crib shared with others and drinking watered-down formula and no other food for nearly two years of her malnourished life is adopted into the wealthiest country in the world that she receive the services, support and education she needs?

Super Dad and I didn’t think so. We sat in front of the officer at the U.S. Consulate in Guangzhou and promised to care for, protect and raise this precious one entrusted to our care. (See picture.) And we meant it. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder why others…the U.S. government, our adoption agency, our school system, our state agencies aren’t obligated to pledge the same thing.

We had no idea where this road would lead. And how much support she/we would need…support that is NOT readily available.

There’s been much talk of Adoption Reform on Adoptionblogs.com lately. And those speaking out are right – there is much that needs to be changed about adoption, both domestic and international. My heart would love to lead a crusade on these issues, because the children I know…special needs adopted children…are the most vulnerable, most overlooked bunch of all. My head knows that crusading for my own child (and working with ATN) is all this Mama Bear can handle at the moment. But that doesn’t prevent me from offering what I believe is WRONG with “the system”.

Is It To Much To Ask?

1. that children who are abused and/or neglected (experts say neglect is often more damaging) be removed immediately from their abusive or neglectful situation?
2. that in places where systemic abuse or neglect exist (i.e. orphanages or foster care situations) that the systems become accountable to train and finance these institutions and employ people who not only understand early childhood development, but will provide healthy care to the children until they are placed in permanent, loving homes?
3. that adoption agencies fulfill their moral and ethical obligations of explaining to pre-adoptive parents the risks of emotional, developmental, social and other delays in the children they are placing for adoption. That they require prospective parents to be trained in these risks, their warning signs and where to go for help? And that only the prospective parents willing to do all that training and education be allowed to adopt?
4. that government agencies, like Early Intervention and school districts recognize the true risk that traumatized children have? That they serve these children’s many needs instead of making the burdens of adoptive parents even harder?
5. that professionals all the way from psychiatrists and psychologists to teachers and speech therapists be trained in the effect of trauma on a developing child? Professionals seem to be aware of the effects of alcohol and drug abuse. Some are even aware that vaccines and other environmental factors might be related to autism. But most give you dead stares when you mention that trauma (abuse, neglect, maltreatment) could have actually altered brain chemistry and structure of our children.
6. that our society, the wealthiest in the world, and one that professes to care about children (yes, I know that’s a stretch), recognizes the true damage of abuse, neglect and multiple placements of children. That we recognize the significance of infants attaching to a primary caregiver and receiving the sensory and developmental stimulation they need in a safe and nurturing place by a caring adult?

Yes, apparently in our world…this is Way Too Much To Ask!