Special Needs Adoption, Adopting Special Needs - Is My Daughter Stealing to Get Caught?

Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog

01/09/08

Is My Daughter Stealing to Get Caught?

Posted by : Julia Fuller in Parenting Children with Special Needs Blog at 08:53 pm , 426 words, 610 views
Categories: A Day In the Life of Attachment Disorder

John brought up a good point in response to a blog I wrote about my daughter stealing instead of asking. He said, “I have to wonder if being caught is part of the package, not something to be avoided.” What if she is stealing with the plan of being caught? Why on earth would anyone steal with the intent of being caught you may ask? I would say that it is reasonable to assume that she might be doing it for the attention. I hadn’t thought of this before John brought it up. However, when she takes something that doesn’t belong to her, she gets to sit down with both of her parents and become the center of attention. She gets to have both of her parents talking to her to try to solve or understand the problem.

We talk to her about why it is wrong to take things that don’t belong to you. We ask her what she thinks would have happened if she had asked for the items instead of taking them, if it involves something of ours. Super Dad likes to remind her that she always gets caught, so he always asks her, "Why do you keep trying."

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When she stole a project from another child at school and then presented it as her own to the class, she got to have the attention of her teacher and her principle. Of course, her teacher called us to inform us of what she had done. Therefore, when she arrived home she received more attention over the theft. The students had been given a month to complete the project and someone had worked very hard on the one she presented. She almost got away with that one, but a student recognized the project as belonging to a student in another classroom.

Her desk was moved off by itself at public school because her classmates had complained numerous times, about her copying their work. Again, she was separated and singled out. I can see where she might think this is a great way to get a lot of attention. However, if that is why she is doing it then I feel very sorry for her. It would be so much better to behave so you can be invited as a friend, instead of segregated as a cheater.

I guess I will talk to her about this tomorrow. Depending on her mood, she may shed some light on this theory.

Why Should My Teenager Ask When She Can Steal?

Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2008

5 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: condo-mom [Member]

Julia -- You have shared that your daughter has a lot of difficulty with understanding consequences. Joy can be quite similar when it comes to grasping cause-effect and predicting outcomes. We see it in situations ranging from the mathematical -- "So do you think this answer is likely to be a positive or negative number?" -- to the everyday -- "Since you have consistently had difficulty with this reponsibility, do you think we are likely to let you try it again by yourself very soon?"

So given your understanding of your daughter's present capacities in this area, do you think it is likely that she is really working that hard for the (positive?) consequence of more special (?) time and attention from you and Super Dad? Not sure about your house, but when Joy repeatedly has problems in this area I have to conclude that No, she is probably Not working this hard in order to get a big reaction out of us. Rather, she seems consistently surprised and saddened by unhappy or negative outcomes.

So the good news at my house is, Joy is probably not really TRYING to make her own life more difficult. The bad news is, it's difficult without her even trying. -- Rachel

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 02:17

Comment from: Kelly [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com

When we ask Sammy the same question he says "because I didn't think you'd catch me this time."

There are times when things have gone unnoticed until later, so his hope is not totally unjustified, but he also truly gets an adrenaline rush from it.

I think stealing is THE most frustrating behavior I deal with.

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 07:56

Comment from: condo-mom [Member]

Okay, in the cold light of day, I have to remember that the behavior being discussed is stealing, or taking, or helping oneself, or whatever one wishes to term it. We don't actually have too much of that behavior here -- although life can always surprise one! So I could certainly be way off in my above comment. -- Rachel

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 11:02

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

I think a key is to help her figure out what's going on in her brain at these times--helping her recognize that she's dysregulated and offering her alternatives for filling whatever need she is filling by "stealing" the food.

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 15:41

Comment from: nancyderen [Member]

Some kids steal and want to get caught because they hate themselves and want to be punished or reinforce their view of themselves as bad kids. Some kids with impulse control issues do things with the intent of being caught because the impulses make them feel so internally out of control that they want to "get in trouble" and feel reassured that an adult will take control. Some kids, especially with FAS, have extreme difficulty understanding that if you do something 100 times with the same exact result, there is a good chance it will be the same on time 101- one of the issues that probably raises my blood pressure the most!

Permalink 01/10/08 @ 17:21

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