You know, we spend a lot of time discussing our special needs adopted children’s bazaar behaviors and our frustration at their inability to modify their behaviors. These adopted children seem unable to eliminate their problem behaviors even after their parents have consistently responded and doled out consequences for years. My friend and peer in parenting, Rachel, recently made a great point. We parents cannot seem to get it through our heads that consequences will not work with these children, so we continue to dole them out and frustrate ourselves. Another of our respected peers in parenting special needs children, Lisa, recently suggested removing or eliminating the source of the problem.

One of Lisa’s adopted children has impulse control problems and apparently cannot avoid certain foods. Therefore, after 12 years of dealing with this problem behavior consistently with no improvement Lisa decided on what initially seems a drastic measure. She put a lock on her pantry door making the source of her child’s temptation unavailable. No theft, no consequences, therefore the problem has been eliminated.

We had a problem at our house with disappearing beverages out of one of our two refrigerators last year. We placed a chain around the refrigerator and padlocked the door. The problem was eliminated although it caused an inconvenience. Ironically, I found out months later that the thief wasn’t who I thought it was. People who came into my house always gawked at the chains, which made me feel obligated to explain their use.

Certainly, with all of the daily obstacles our children must overcome they must feel somewhat relieved when we remove some. Removing a source of constant irritation should also improve our parent-child relationship. Because we no longer have to correct the child daily, the self-esteem of the child should also improve as well. My blog-mate Julie told us about not leaving plastic bags in visible areas around her daughter because she can’t seem to leave them alone.

While removing or locking up tempting items is certainly inconvenient for parents, it seems to be the best solution for children who cannot learn from consequences. In the past, I might have argued that our children need to learn to control themselves so they can live independently as adults. However, I am now convinced that constantly disciplining a child for the same infraction is too detrimental to the parent-child relationship. Therefore, removing the source of conflict would be preferable.


Photo Credit Julia Fuller 2007