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I was talking with a friend today and we were discussing what it is like to live with a child who has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Fetal Alcohol Effects. It is not easy.
There are several behavioral issues that are directly associated with fetal alcohol that drive most parents crazy. Even when you understand where these behaviors come from, they are still maddening.
Lack of impulse control – Children with fetal alcohol have poor impulse control. If they see something they want, they take it. Before or after the “event” they can tell you what people don’t take things that don’t belong to them and they probably can tell you what the consequences are after the event but in that moment, they cannot control their impulses.
Lack of cause and effect thinking – Fetal alcohol damages portions of the brain and one of them is the cause and effect center. These children do not understand that if you do A, the result will be B. This also manifests itself in different learning disabilities. Math is a cause and effect subject. If I add 6 to 3, the result will always be 9. There is no way around that. For kids with fetal alcohol issues, these concepts are difficult to understand. Even with consistent parenting, they will not remember what the consequence is for stealing, not doing homework, or the various other things that you normally assign consequences for.
Lack of empathy – I don’t know why this is so prevalent in kids with fetal alcohol issues. Maybe it goes along with attachment disorder and abuse that kids suffer, or maybe there is a different neurological explanation, but it is hard to live with either way. When your child hurts someone and does not feel badly about it, you wonder and worry.
I don’t know – You ask your child why a certain behavior happened and your child answers with “I don’t know” and you want to scream. The truth is, your child doesn’t know. They don’t know why they took the $20 from your purse. The answer you may get is “I wanted it” which goes along with the lack of impulse control. Our kids don’t understand why they do what they do and our inability to understand is just as frustrating.
Disrespect – Disrespect stems from the lack of impulse control mentioned above. The children feel like doing something, so they do it. They feel like cursing at you, so they do. They feel like hitting one of your children, so they do.
These are difficult things to live with every day. I fully understand that. I lived with it for years. Of all of my son’s mental health issues, I think this is the most difficult one to handle.
Hi I’m new to the community and I say I can can relate. My husband and his former wife adopted a baby at birth closed adoption from the state of NY in 1992. His wife died when our son was 3yoa. My husband did not know what to expect but for the past 9 years it has been very hard. Our son is now 17yoa and he was exposed to alcohol and drugs. It as been a nightmare for me!! He steals, behavioral problems, learning disability, tells untruths, defiant, resentment issues and the list goes on. I had no exposure to challegened children. I thought you give them lots of love and time that everything would be alright and I was extremely wrong. I’m to the point I do not like this child. He need help and we need help. The state of NY did not give my husband no assistance nothing. Fortunately my husband had health insurance that covered his major corrective care for his eyes and feet. Now we’re at a point that he needs professional help I did take him for him years ago but doctors stated he would probably grow out of the defiance wrong. He’s gotten worse. Anyone experience this and how did you deal with matter???
Hi I am also new to here and searching for help. I have a 14 yo step daughter who exhibits lots of the features. She has been diagnosised with RAD and depression but nothing is seeming to help. Everyday is a battle with her. Any tips for how to deal with this. My husband is in denial about her mother saying she only drank on the weekends but something has affected this child.