My daily Bible study lesson was on Agape love today. No doubt that with my stressful day and my impatient attitude, this lesson’s timing was no accident. I’ve always been fascinated with the relationship between agape love and parenting special needs children. It has been through my experiences parenting LuLu that I have grown in a much deeper understanding of unconditional love.

We could debate forever whether humans are truly capable of unconditional love. I believe that we are, although never to the depth of God’s love. But it is not the popular type of love in society…that’s for sure. If there’s nothing in it for me…well, then why stay in the relationship???

Enter our challenging children. Believe me, in so many ways – there is nothing in it for us. We learn about sacrifice with a capital S. I used to marvel at parents who gave up jobs, houses, savings accounts, relationships with extended family, churches. Now those folks are my comrades, my homeboys…so to speak.

We talk about the “wonders” and “joys” of parenting these kids, but let’s face it, they are few and far between. They are hard-fought and not at all what the rest of the world views as joys. On the local news last night, I watched a story on an autistic middle schooler who is the student manager of his school’s basketball team. This is only possible because his mom sits nearby during every game in case his senses become overwhelmed. Mom was moved to tears during the interview, relating how precious it was to watch her child do something that so many normal parents and children take for granted. It was nearly impossible not to get teary-eyed just watching her. It was nearly impossible not to be saddened knowing that LuLu isn’t “there yet” and may never have an opportunity at normalcy like that.

Yet…there’s agape. It covers all. You know the scripture…it is patient, kind, not proud or boastful. It rejoices in the truth, hopes all things, endures all things. It is superhuman love. It stares down our children’s disabilities…and wins…Love never fails.

There have been many times I couldn’t fathom this. I bought into the “Love is Not Enough” theory. And it isn’t…not the minor league type of love society pushes. Not the “living vicariously through our kids” type of love or the “make the family proud” type. It isn’t enough. It’s not about the feeling.

It’s ironic to me that Nancy Thomas would name her book “When Love is Not Enough”. Although I know exactly what she means and that she’s reaching out to parents who have reached the end of themselves and their abilities, Nancy is one of the few examples of agape love in action I have ever met. She is a wonder to behold in person. One of my favorite stories of hers is told to emphasize the importance of having “smiling eyes” when dealing with traumatized children. And one way to keep your smiling eyes is to think good thoughts about the child…no matter what.

To illustrate that very tall order, Nancy described one of her children who had refused to bathe for several days, was oppositional at every turn, was verbally defiant and physically destructive. Nancy, as she describes, believes in the healing potential of lots of physical contact with her kids. So she was snuggling this smelly, oppositional, offensive boy and realized her eyes were not smiling. (They may have been watering from the smell.) So she was wracking her brain to think of something nice and positive to focus on about this child. Finally it came to her: “He’s using the food I give him everyday to grow up big and strong.” Now that accomplishment ranks right up there with breathing. But, Nancy’s point was that her ability to shine love through her eyes was based not on feeling the love, but on her determination to respond in love and to find something positive to change her response and ultimately her feelings.

Back to the Bible study. Here are the kernels of truth that were there for me today.

“Agape is not as much a feeling as it is a response. We will discover that God commands us to agape. He is not commanding us toward a feeling. He is commanding us to surrender to His Spirit, which results in obedience.”

“Agape never fails. The Greek word for fails is ekpipto which means ‘to be without effect, to be in vain.’ Concentrate on this truth: agape is never without effect. Agape is never in vain! Whether the work of agape is in us as the giver, in others as the receivers, or both – it will never be in vain.”

“Agape is not fueled by the desire of its recipient; it is fueled by the need.”

This one requires some thought…the commentary continues:

“Agape means God did what humanity most needed – He pursued in us that which was highest and best.”

He pursued us, sacrificed all for us, and loves us for no reason other than because we’re His.

Tall marching orders for parents of challenging kids…good thing God sent to earth the ultimate example!


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